ASK A MOM: Separation anxiety, social media, and self-esteem
Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions in this ongoing series
Q: My 10-year-old cannot handle it when we go away for the weekend or even an overnight trip. The separation anxiety and homesickness for us makes it almost not worth going. It doesn’t matter who she stays with—grandparents, best friend—there’s so many tears in advance and then whenever we talk to her while we’re gone. Are we just stuck at home till she goes to college?
A: Every child has different levels of independence—some kids in the same family can be wildly different with homesick-ness. So, I went in search of answers through social media, an experienced educator, and a professional.
First, from strangers on Facebook. Little did I guess this would be such a hot topic: 20,000 people interacted with the question in its first 48 hours on my page. Here are some comments, out of many:
Carey: “She won’t be going away to college if you don’t start enjoying some healthy time apart now. Our college freshman would still be living at home if we hadn’t ‘forced’ him to go to camp or stay with grandparents. It helped him become more independent and responsible.”
Sherri: “Honestly, this sounds more severe than typical separation anxiety. I would suggest talking with a professional.”
Tom: “Find an activity she likes that requires her leaving. Camp. Horse lessons. A group overnight event. Drop her off then do your thing once she’s out of sight.”
Randy: “Therapy. Get help soon or they will have a rough go when subjected to school activities.”
Julie: “I would start by talking with her doctor. As we always read and tell others, mental health—if this is diagnosed anxiety—needs to be treated like any other health concern.”
Deborah: “I am an only child. When I was about 8, I remember my mom left for a meeting. I cried hours before she even left. I stayed home with my dad; we were really close, too. Even so, I cried until she got home. Then, in the summer my mom and I went to my grandparents. I cried every night, missing my dad. I finally grew out of it. I never understood why I did it other than I wanted everyone together. Sometimes you just have to keep the faith; this too shall pass.”
Amy: “Maybe work up to a weekend? Start with shorter time frames? I love the advice to find something she loves that requires her to go, even for a few hours.”
Sherry: “My daughter was very much like this! She spent the night at a friend’s house ONCE (she’s now 17 and the number is still only once). She loves having friends at our house overnight, but just doesn’t want to go elsewhere. I’ve found that as soon as I know there’d be a change in anything to let her know, has helped tremendously.”
Next up, thoughts from Ms. Jen. She is a mom of four, a teacher at my son’s preschool, a babysitter, camp counselor, nanny, teacher, and has been in children’s ministry for more than 40 years. I’ve watched her disengage hysterical kids from parents’ legs and help children (and parents) through separation anxiety. Different age-situation than a 10-year-old, definitely, but similar in concept.
“First to the mom and dad, don’t stop going,” she says. “YOUR relationship is vital, and one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. Two, is this new behavior? Has she previously been okay and only now showing this? I suggest to anyone reading this with young ones: Start now. Always easier to teach separation when they’re younger.”
From what she has witnessed, Ms. Jen says kids can be affected by the parent’s behavior. So, be confident, feel no guilt, and let your child know you’d never leave her anywhere you didn’t feel she’d be safe.
“I’d tell her what is happening – and maybe give a choice of where she stays, but not ‘if,'” Ms. Jen says. “Explain it with clear and straightforward expectations. Don’t over-explain. Don’t allow her emotions to make you feel guilty. Obviously, you trust the people you’re leaving her with, so let them handle her emotions. Remind her that she has the choice to enjoy the time, or be unhappy. Either way, she has same amount of time there.”
Ms. Jen also shares this (I love this advice): “Set parameters for any phone calls while away. She can tell you two things she has done that are fun, and one thing she misses about not being with you. You can acknowledge the feelings, but do not apologize for her sadness. Thank her for being good for the grandparents (or whoever she’s with) and allowing you and Daddy some time away together.”
I also took your question to Elizabeth Pinard, a Certified Parent-Child Interaction Therapist with Carolinas Interactive Therapy.
“Separation anxiety is common and can feel overwhelming for parents and children,” she says. “Sometimes the child’s anxiety can be intensified when parents find themselves talking about it excessively. That can reinforce the child’s fears about the separation and unconsciously support the belief he/she isn’t able to be away from them.”
Pinard suggests the parents acknowledge the child’s fears, while conveying the message the parents know the kiddo will be okay. “The parents can set up opportunities for the child to have more frequent visits that are shorter in duration to show the child they can be away. Finding a special item to take from home can also give the child comfort, in addition to having a fun activity planned while away. And, any successes the family has around leaving the child alone, even for a short period of time, should be celebrated. Say things like, ‘You did a great job today at Grandma’s house.'”
As a parent who has learned to leave her three children behind to recharge my own mental state, I say from experience… tell her you love her and go on the trip. Like Ms. Jen said, your comfort level with the separation can set the whole tone.
Q: How do we feel about kids under age 13 using Facebook Messenger Kids? A lot of my kid’s friends have it. A lot of their parents swear they’ve “checked it out and it’s safe.” Thoughts?
A: How “we” feel is a clever way to ask the question, but it’s ultimately not how “we” feel at all. It’s how YOU feel. If I’ve learned anything (from the little I know) about parenting on social media, it’s that rules you make in your household won’t match rules made in other households. You have to be okay with that. There is no universal handbook. At least not yet. Parenting social media is not like teaching a teen to drive, where you stop on red and go through green. We have driven for decades. We can teach our kids through experience. But social media is mostly making it up as we go. It can feel like the Wild Wild West. So just know, the handbook you create for your kids will likely be different than your neighbors’.
I took your question to a Charlotte woman who should be called Miss Social Media: Katie McKiever. Follow her on Instagram (@katiemckiever) and LinkedIn (Katie Mckiever, MA). She created her own consulting business to coach the rest of us on how to use social media to our advantage. (She previously ran social media for WBTV and Atrium Health. She has experience.) She’s a good teacher for us adults. Full disclosure: I hired her just to teach me how to make reels on Instagram.
She’s also a mom of two young girls. Here’s McKiever’s take on Facebook Messenger:
“Messenger Kids is a great solution if you’re looking for a way to have your child keep in touch with friends and family directly through a device or platform. There are always risks when combining youth and social media platforms, but Messenger Kids gives parents full control and oversight over the actions of their children in the app. It’s easy to monitor, approve the contact list, and limit the hours your child can use it. I’ve seen parents with kids as young as 6, rave about how satisfied they are with the feeling of safety.”
I tried Facebook Kids Messenger with Parker (my now 12-year-old) when she was younger. She quickly lost interest. But the point of mentioning that is it has been around for a bit. If any platform with young kids has some staying power, it must be doing something right.
Oh! And Katie. Yes, you. Katie McKiever. If you’re reading this… “we” kindly suggest you add a class for parents of elementary and middle schoolers to your business menu. Teach us social media trends. Walk us through what to worry about most. Get us excited about using social with our kids, rather than fearing it. You build the class of “how-to’s” with social lives and phones, and we will come. Promise.
Q: I’m looking for a podcast, book, audiobook or any other resource to help my 12yo son to build his self-esteem and confidence to help him navigate this awkward middle school phase. Thanks!
A: Enter Park Road Books.
Sherri, one of the employees at this great small business in Charlotte, gave a great list of books:
- Surviving Middle School: Navigating the Halls, Riding the Social Roller Coaster, and Unmasking the Real You by Luke Reynolds. (He’s a middle school teacher!) Paperback. Retails for $12.99.
- You Are Awesome: Find your Confidence and Dare to Be Brilliant at (Almost) Anything by Matthew Syed. Paperback. Retails for $14.99.
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. (“A great book to last for years,” Sherri says. “Since he won’t be 12 forever.”) Paperback. Retails for $17.99.
Sherri also mentioned a Charlotte couple, Jonathan and Erica Catherman, who are founders of 1M Mentoring Foundation. They’re authors of several books, the latest out on March 26th called The Ultimate Middle School Survival Guide: Do This, Not That Life Skills for Success.
This couple also has a podcast/website called “Raising Them Ready.” It’s affiliated with “Focus on the Family,” and a religious publisher, in case that is of interest to anyone. You can just walk into Park Road Books and ask any employee. Super knowledgeable staff, no matter who you find.
Phew! Big questions this month. Keep ’em coming. I love reading what’s on your mind. Until April…
—Molly
MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.
