Scheduling Holiday Time With Teens
It’s the time of year for fireside togetherness and family traditions. Hauling out the holiday decorations, baking cookies, giving gifts and visiting relatives.
But has your teen has decided to ditch the family and spend time with so-and-so? Are you ready to pitch a fit and tell your child if he or she isn’t at the dinner table this year for the family get-together there that new cell phone or laptop won’t be wrapped up with a glittery bow?
Preoccupied With Peers, Still Tied to Traditions
When kids are young, it’s simple. The anticipation of rich, chocolate desserts and time off from school is all it takes to keep them grounded. Once adolescence strikes, they suddenly get a severe case of ants in their pants. If there is a boyfriend or girlfriend in the picture, the inclination to spend the holidays somewhere else is more intense. One friend regaled me with a tale about her ruined holiday last year: When the family headed out of town to visit Grandma, her teenage daughter remained miserable for the entire 10 days … and then some.
Should you abide by the adage “pick your battles,” or should you insist your teen spend the holidays with family? Experts say despite a preoccupation with friends and crushes, holiday traditions and family rituals are more important to your teen than you might think. You’ll realize this when your teen announces he or she can’t find the silly Mickey ornament from the family’s 2006 vacation to Disney World or that Grandma’s delectable mashed potatoes are on the table.
Dr. Scott Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor at Brown University’s Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior and author of “The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight Keys to Building a Lifetime of Connection and Contentment” (Jossey-Bass, 2009), explains, “The teenage years are a time when children are struggling to differentiate themselves from their family. They also are wishing to strike out on their own and test boundaries. At this age, kids are highly influenced by their peers, but studies tell us they still look up to their parents, and wish to please.”
Use Teen’s Talents, Make Compromises
Give your teen time and space during the holiday season, but consider tapping into his or her favorite memories or creative talents to engage your teen as an important member of the family. It might help to ask for his or her assistance with the planning and give him or her specific things to be responsible for. Can he drive everyone on Saturday to pick out the 12-foot tree for the living room? Can she create the family newsletter or choose appetizer recipes for the neighborhood party?
By giving your child an opportunity to make a contribution, he or she will feel more like an integral part of the experience, instead of a mere spectator, and buy into your need to hang out with the family.
However, despite your best intentions and efforts, your teen might still want to spend time elsewhere or with that important someone. “While it’s important to inject routine and tradition into your family life, it’s also important to know that some traditions can change slightly, and it won’t kill anyone,” says Haltzman. “Children, including teens, should be with their families whenever possible, but there also should be room for compromise.”
He suggests letting your teen go to a friend’s house before or after the family dinner or inviting the boyfriend or girlfriend over for dessert. And perhaps changing the time the family opens gifts would allow your teen to still work his or her shift at the restaurant up the street.
Consider the age of your child, his or her relationship with friends, and his or her attitude toward the family. Remember, too, that the idea of “family comes first” often is foreign to teens because they tend to be egocentric. It doesn’t have to be an either/or situation if you don’t want it to be.
Discuss a compromise that will work both for the family and your teen. If there is a religious service or annual family tradition that can’t be missed, explore the idea of inviting the friend, or allowing your teen time with him or her afterward.
Do your best to avoid a nasty verbal battle by keeping in mind what you really want when it comes time to put the decorations away. As a new year approaches, do you desire a more controlling, troubled relationship with your teen or a relationship that’s evolving into mutual respect with give-and-take compromises as he or she develops independence and grows toward adulthood?
Myrna Beth Haskell writes a monthly advice column for parents of teens, as well as articles about children’s health and development. Her work appears in national and regional publications throughout the United States and Canada.
