ASK A MOM: Sephora Kids, Reward Systems, and In-Laws

Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions in this ongoing series

Q: “My 11-year-old has become a “Sephora kid,” and I swear some of her skincare products are more expensive than mine! This seems excessive for a tween. Are there any cheaper, drugstore alternatives to tide her over until she ACTUALLY has to worry about acne and wrinkles?”

A: Don’t even get me started. I have a daughter turning 13 this month.

First, I asked a very good friend who does marketing for an ultra-successful makeup-skincare company—one you probably say in your household weekly if you have an 11-year-old. To protect our friendship, I’m keeping her name quiet, but her facts resonate even when anonymous.

“Young girls are obsessed,” she says. “It’s a business. Blame Tik Tok. The truth of the matter is that most adult skincare is NOT meant for pre-puberty skin. Too many chemicals. Even those that sometime say they’re ‘chemical-free’ aren’t truly chemical-free and are bad for young skin.”

Her expert recommendations on less expensive drugstore brands: “Cetaphil. Cerave. Neutrogena. Dove Soap also, honestly, works just fine.”

The next suggestion comes from my friend Katy, who has two daughters. She knows the obsession but won’t lean in fully. She’s willing to buy sample-size kits for her girls. If they actually like them, she suggests they spend their allowance or birthday/holiday gift cards to get the full size.

“Sample sizes keep them happy because they get to have the item,” Katy says. “But they also have to be super frugal with it.”

Another friend, Beth, also with two daughters, says she recently went to Target with a mini-Ulta inside and purchased lots of samples (some from Ulta, some simply from the travel aisle). Beth bought functional things her girls would need for summer vacation or camp (shampoo/conditioner, hand cream, shaving gel, dry shampoo, etc.), but also fun things like primer, facial spray, and pimple patches/stars. She thought this might “scratch the itch” a little of trying new products. (Beth’s Target haul is what’s pictured.)

A third friend, Trisha, also a mom of two daughters, took it a step further.

“My daughters love Sephora and the fancy brands like Milk, Ilia, etc. for makeup,” she says. “When they turned 13, I brought them to my dermatologist for a skin check and recommendations and/or prescriptions for face wash products. I let them ask anything they wanted about makeup. It went over much better with advice coming from someone else that Cereve and Cetaphil are awesome. Also, the doctor’s recommendation that ‘less is more’ when it comes to makeup and the importance of cleansing at night were impactful. When your kids get to that age where they don’t think you know anything, it’s great to bring in an expert.”

Recently, Morgan Fogarty of WCCB News did a story on this insane world of little girls and skincare and talked with dermatologists who say this “trend” is a problem. (Morgan has an 8-year-old daughter and gets it.) Watch her report here.

Q: I have a 4 yr old who has ZERO fear of authority. Like, none. My oldest was so much more obedient and cautious if I told him something was dangerous or warned him about consequences, but this child is fearless. How do I get her to have a (healthy) respect for authority now that she’s going into kindergarten?

A: I took your question to an established Charlotte pediatrician, who’s also a mom. Dr. Catherine Ohmstede says a child’s drug is attention. If you react strongly to undesirable behaviors, you may be inviting them to give you more of those.

“Give your child lots of praise for the behaviors you want to see more of,” she says. “Turn your back on behaviors you don’t like (unless they are dangerous). Only scold if someone is going to get hurt or something will be broken.”

Also, she suggests reward systems.

“My favorite is to offer coins as a ‘tip’ every time you catch them doing something you want to encourage: brushing their teeth the first time you ask, drawing a picture to fill your home with beauty, waiting patiently while you are in a conversation on the phone. Starting at the age of 4, we gave our children three coins every morning, placing them in a dish in our kitchen. All day long we gave additional coins when we witnessed behaviors we liked. If we asked them to do something (or stop doing something) three times and didn’t cooperate, we took a coin. Mondays they got pennies, Tuesdays nickels, Wednesdays dimes, Thursdays quarters, and on Fridays half-dollars. It worked for all three of my kids, and many of my patients have reported that it helped them.”

Dr. Ohnstede also reminds us that a parent’s job is to teach children what’s expected and reward them for meeting those expectations. We are who is setting the example for the way people need to act to get along in the world. Children might not listen to what we say, she said, but they watch what we do. They will follow our lead.

If your child is at a point where they cannot meet behavioral expectations in a school setting, Dr. Ohmstede recommends Parent-Child Interactive Therapy (PICT) or an evaluation by an Occupational Therapist to help teach self-regulation skills. If struggles continue, she recommends an evaluation by either a pediatrician or Developmental Behavioral Pediatrician.

“Every child is different,” she says. “Your child may need you to explain ‘why’ you want them to act a certain way. Others may need a reward for good behavior. Some may need professional help.”

Q: My 9 year old doesn’t like visiting his grandparents. He thinks that his gran is too bossy and always gives him tasks to do. My MIL is strict with him and is convinced that she is “doing the right thing.” I’ve spoken to MIL about his concerns but don’t get the feeling she’ll change the way she interacts with him. Any tips on how to improve their relationship? Or should I just let my son and his gran work things out themselves?

A: If it was your parent in question, I bet you’d re-talk with him/her and have less difficulty drawing boundaries. It’s a trickier line to walk with the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship. Just remember, your kids are… your kids. She raised her children—and did a good enough job you are in a relationship with one of them—but if you see true behavior that you honestly fear has long-term impacts, it’s fair to want it addressed.

You didn’t give details, so we’ll start by taking a wide, 30,000-foot view of the situation. If your mother-in-law is asking your son to follow standard practices you don’t normally enforce like, “chew with your mouth closed,” or “no food served until you put your napkin in your lap,” or asks him to put things away after he gets them out, let her do the work and teach your child. It takes one thing off your list later down the road. On the same note, if the strict expectations are house rules your mother-in-law expects everyone to follow in her home, like “no running down the hallway,” or “take your shoes off before you enter,” those are her household standards and totally fair (even if you don’t have those rules in your home).

But if her strict interactions are creating an actual sense of dread in your child or changing his personality while there—say she doesn’t want him laughing loudly in a room or sharing imaginative stories—another conversation might be warranted.

Only, maybe, not initiated by you. Where does your spouse stand?

When difficult conversations are needed with extended families, a great rule of thumb is to have the person raised on that side take the lead. In my personal experience (and incredibly UN-scientific poll with others), there is a 100% chance words land better long-term when NOT from an in-law. In this situation, if concerning interactions remain in your head, provide 2 or 3 examples to your spouse (don’t get into a vent-session with a laundry list of complaints), and ask for help in managing the relationship. A calm approach will always work best.

And remember, the main two things married couples fight over are 1] money and 2] the other side of the family. You’re in great company to have opinions about how your in-laws do things… there will always be differences. They likely have their own thoughts on your practices. That’s okay. But if the differences in how to raise kids crosses into a place where your child is fearful of visiting or having repeated temper tantrums over not wanting to see his grandmother, it’s okay to address the situation and ask for partner-support in finding out what’s really going on.

That, my friends, is a wrap on April. Always love reading your questions. Please keep them coming (submit here) and buckle up: Maycember is fast-approaching.

—Molly

 MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.