Improving Dinner Time Conversation

Between after-school activities, homework, and work commitments, finding time for a family dinner can feel impossible. Yet sharing a meal together—even just a few times a week—offers lasting rewards. Research shows that kids who regularly eat with their families enjoy physical, emotional, and social benefits.

Dr. Anne K. Fishel, clinical psychologist and executive director of The Family Dinner Project, puts it best: “Most American families are starved for time together, and dinner may be the only moment in the day to reconnect—to set aside video games, emails, and homework. Dinner is a chance to relax, recharge, laugh, tell stories, and catch up on the day’s ups and downs, while strengthening our sense of who we are as a family.”

While the first challenge to a family dinner may be getting everyone together, the second may be how to make the most of this time and improve conversation. Here are some ideas:

Be Specific

“Broad questions like, ‘How was your day?’ will probably elicit a one-word response like ‘fine’ or ‘good’ especially when posed to a teenager,” says Dr. Jean M. Twenge, psychologist and author of 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World. A better approach is to ask more targeted questions. “You want to be specific with your questions without making it sound like you are giving your child the third degree,” she explains. “For example, rather than saying, ‘How was your day?’ ask your child, ‘How was your social studies test?’ or ‘Who did you sit with at lunch today?’”

Avoid Touchy Subjects

While the dinner table is an ideal space to discuss a variety of topics, be cautious about broaching subjects that your child might not want to address in front of their siblings. Parents need to be cognizant of what issues a child might consider off-limits (such as dating) or too emotionally charged (like failing a test) for a group conversation.

Encourage Dialogue

Dinnertime conversations don’t always have to be light. The dinner table is a great place for interesting, dynamic discussions on a wide range of topics from current events to pop culture, “Keep the conversations constructive by having an open mind,” Twenge says. “Everyone should feel safe to express themselves honestly without fear of judgment or ridicule.”

Highs and Lows

A simple way to start a family dinner conversation is with a game, like “Rose and Thorn.” Each person gives a “rose” to the best part of their day and a “thorn” to the worst. It’s an easy way for each family member to engage in self-reflection about their day, and the prompt may remind them of something they might otherwise have forgotten to mention.

Phone Free Zone

Try to make the dinner table a phone-free zone for both kids and adults. “If everyone is looking at their phones throughout the meal, they will be distracted and unable to truly connect because they are only half listening,” Twenge says. “Putting the phone out of sight for 20 to 30 minutes will keep the focus on the people around the table.”

Squabbles Are Inevitable 

Don’t let an occasional argument among family members discourage you from having dinner together. “When families get together to share a meal, sometimes there will inevitably be fighting,” Twenge says. “Arguing, especially between siblings, is an occupational hazard.” If a fight occurs, try to de-escalate the situation or change the topic entirely.

Enjoy One-on-One Time Too

“Don’t get stuck on the idea that everyone needs to eat together or the opportunity is lost,” Twenge says. Everyone needs to eat, so on days when it’s impossible to get everyone around the table at the same time, eat with each person individually (or if you aren’t hungry, have a cup of tea while they eat their meal.) Take advantage of the time to engage in a one-on-one conversation.

Connect with Clean-Up Too

Kids may protest that they’re too busy to help clean up after dinner—and on nights with big assignments or exams, that might be true. But most of the time, there’s no reason they can’t at least clear their plates or help load the dishwasher. For younger children, turning cleanup into a game can make it fun; for older ones, it’s a chance to build real-life skills they’ll need when they’re living on their own (and their future roommates will thank you).

RANDI MAZZELLA is a freelance writer specializing in parenting, teen issues, mental health, and wellness.