Spy Games: Points to Ponder Before Monitoring Your Child's Activities

Not unusually, our Sunday School class got off the regularly scheduled topic and meandered through a lively discussion about spying on our own children. Not having embarked on that part of parenting just yet, I was interested in the group's views. I was surprised by the spying parents' vehemence, believing it was an undeniable part of parenting. The most vocal parents had skimmed through diaries, snooped around rooms and read texts, or planned to do so once their child reached the age when they deemed this necessary.

Spying on your children is not a new concept – parents have been reading diaries, "cleaning" bedrooms, watching from curtained windows and even following kids in cars for years. Now, parents have more tools at their disposal, and may not have to leave the comfort of their living room to carry on an all out espionage attack, one worthy of a Robert Ludlum novel.

Being the analytical person that I am, I researched spying on children and found a variety of information from social workers, reporters, other parents and bloggers. I used what I learned to outline areas that may give you something to think about before making decisions about spying. There's more to it than just deciding to spy – there is more at stake.

Going into the snooping business or keeping a laissez-faire household is your decision; I just ask that you make it an intentional one based on your own experiences, family values and individual child. Look at these questions and see where you stand.

Full Disclosure or Private Eye
Will you tell your child that you will have access to their computer, Facebook page, phone, backpack and everything in their room?

Before the days of internet, a mom to now adult children confessed that she read her daughter's diary, and to this day, that daughter does not know about her invaded privacy. Twenty years later, the fear of her daughter finding out is still palpable. One expert, who writes about adolescent development, remarked that a parent/child relationship can be deeply affected by snooping done behind a child's back. If you are promoting integrity and honesty within the home, a parent's actions need to match what they expect of the child. On the flip side, if your child does know that you are privy to all their movements, they may hide their secrets outside of the parental realm. You will only see what they want you to see. Why Spy What are your reasons for prying into your child's life? Although I have used the word child, we are really talking about adolescents and even more to the point, teenagers. We all know that the parent/child relationship changes as our children develop into adults. Those formative years, in between, wreak havoc on both parents and teens – from stress on the parents to peer pressure on the adolescent; it is not an easy time for anyone in the household.

If you are spying to protect your child from themselves, some consider this a noble and just cause. If you are trying to inhibit your child's development as an individual or protect them from all harm, you may want to reconsider your pursuit.

With the right information, we can help our children along. A mom talked about "teachable moments" with her son. She read his texts written to a girl that were bordering on aggressive. He is only ten, and this mom hoped that she prevented any further behavior in the future by talking with her son about appropriate communication.

One mom told of a story how her daughter's inappropriate Facebook Page photos affected her admission to her choice college. It took a few years, but she eventually got to that college. Our children will make mistakes and doing so is a part of growing up. At times, receiving the natural consequences of their actions is the true life lesson, better gained at 18 than still trying to find it at 40.

Most agree that we have the duty to protect our children from themselves. As parents, we are also legally responsible for our minors. We may have other family members to keep safe. There may be certain situations involving drugs, alcohol and other abuses that require immediate attention and swift action. Finding the delicate balance and boundary between your child's privacy, their safety and your sanity can be a challenging feat.

Now or Later
Do you wait until something is broken to snoop for a problem or do you start at a certain age?

Here is an example – Do you find a joint in your child's jacket pocket and then start spying or do you protect them by spying so the joint never makes it to their pocket?

It is inevitable that at some point our children will be hurt from bullying, bad relationships, doomed friendships, and inappropriate photos. We can monitor and protect every movement and hope that our children develop into individuals who learn from their own mistakes. We can try to lay out every scenario with the correct response, hoping that if they follow our exact plan, they will escape adolescence unscathed. The reality is probably much different. Our parental control can never be all encompassing, and we know what they say about best laid plans.

Some of the information out there mentions a child's independence and privacy – not the right to have it, but the gaining of these privileges through good grades, responsible actions and open communication. When your child follows all your rules and you have an open dialogue, it may not be necessary to follow their every action.

How Far Will You Go
In the age of Spy Apps, GPS and wiretapping – how will you gain access?

Short of inserting a chip into your child's brain, there are many ways to go about spying. Some parents ask their children to turn in devices at 10pm every evening for inspection while others may go over devices with their children occasionally, asking questions about what is on the device – from apps, websites to text conversations.

If you are not open about the spying, this new industry offers programs and apps designed to help you discern what exactly your child is doing in the cyber world without them ever knowing. A parent can be a skilled hacker fairly quickly through YouTube videos and other online resources.

Aging Out
At what age does this all end?

At some point you must consider your child an adult, ready to make their way in the world with less direction. It may come at 18, but if they still live in your home and your family's safety is at risk, you may continue to monitor their actions. For some parents, even college students are not relinquished from the parental grasp. Parents footing the bill want to be sure that studying is foremost on their child's agenda. Adult children may live with their parents well into their 20's, and some see this as a reason to still snoop. Even Ludlum's character, Jason Bourne retired from the spy business at some point.

The many unanswered questions throughout this post reflect my uncertainty and indecision about spying. Discussions with my husband will take place before we agree on how to monitor our children's behaviors. Whatever we decide, we will consider all our options and make a plan that best works for our family. Here are some other articles and blogs that I read to help put this post together:

Brutally Honest: Is it OK to spy on your kid?

Parental Control Software for Cell Phone

Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on my Child?

Vanessa Infanzon is a Charlotte mom to three boys and writes about their adventures at eSpeciallyBen.com.