5 Things You Need to Know About Boys

An important list for soon-to-be moms of little dudes.

September 30, 2015

Derek James,

My WCCB News Rising co-host Kristine Zell and her husband Jeff welcome their first child, a baby boy in October. Being the great TV husband and friend that I am — and as a father of two boys — I thought I should give them the gift that every new mom loves, unwanted parenting advice. So for Kristine and all other soon-to-be moms of little dudes, I present this important list.

1. They will pee on you.

If they feel air during a diaper change or you take the diaper off to get in the tub, your baby boy is likely to pee, probably in the air, so make sure you are fully aware of where the urine no-fly zone begins and ends or you’ll get hit. I recommend pee-pee teepees to help with that, although other people give them mixed reviews. Once your son is potty-trained, you could still get peed on. As a toddler, my son Tyler dropped his pants in our yard and went on the back of my leg. He didn’t go inside because he was afraid he’d miss something.

2. Boys have no concept of the words “no running.”

Once your little man starts walking, he quickly moves to running, and that never stops. It only gets worse. Although they quickly learn and understand what the word running means, you must understand that they consider anything below a 100-yard dash pace to be walking. Boys only have one speed. This goes for the pool, the house, and even the playground if your kid goes to one of today’s insane schools that have banned running, balls and all general fun.

3. It will be a daily fight to get them to wash their hands.

I promise this is the last gross one. Little boys (and many gross men) don’t wash their hands. You hear justifications like “but I only had to pee” or “I’m too busy.” It has happened so often with one of my boys that I am trained to listen for running water after each and every flush. I’ll yell from downstairs “Did you wash your hands?” and I then hear very loud, mach 5 speed running across the hall back to the bathroom. I follow that up with “Please don’t run.”

4. They are ridiculously silly and incredibly sweet.

OK, this one is a little gross too. What starts as silly faces, silly songs and “The Tickle Monster,” eventually is overtaken by marching around the house naked (except for a pair of underwear on his head) and giggling about boogers, burps and farts. Life is too short. It’s OK to smirk or laugh at your kid when he says, “I only poop when my butt starts to hurt” or “Why isn’t there noise when the dog farts, but it’s super loud when you do?” They make up for the gross by saying the sweetest things like, “Mom you are my best friend. You are my heart.”