Single in a King-Sized Head

Jenbyrum 130 002

As a single mom, I don’t put myself out there much in the dating world. Frankly, my hands are quite full with a job selling ads for Charlotte Parent, two nutty kids, a needy 14-year-old dog and a part time job on the weekends as a bartender. I’m also a short order cook, maid, chauffeur, social director, grocery specialist, financial planner, laundryologist, sibling referee, math/reading/social studies and science tutor, crisis manager and all around maintenance woman.

Half the time I don’t know what day it is, let alone have the desire to nurture anyone except my own exhausted self and my kids. The thought of having to deal with another person’s feelings, emotions, opinions and desires makes me a bit nauseous.

When I first became single again after 13 years with my ex, many of my friends suggested finding a new romantic partner as a way to ease into my new harried lifestyle. You need a man, they said. I tried it a few times. I even tried online dating. But there was always that little voice in back of my head telling me I wasn’t ready. And it was right.

I even went through a stage where I dated all my exes just to make sure I hadn’t let something magical slip away. Good grief.

It was great because I didn’t have to explain any of the weird and annoying idiosyncrasies that make me, me. They already knew what they were getting themselves into. I was nutty enough in the past. Now I had two kids and a very full plate. It wasn’t a good plan to say the very least.

There was something important I learned though. I was so relieved that with each of them, the reason it didn’t last remained the same, even years later. I realized I could actually trust that little voice in my crazy noggin. But it took a good two years for me to finally see it.

Oh, yes, I dated them ALL again. And a few new ones that no person in their right mind would choose on purpose… Just for good measure.

See, when it’s just you, at times the insanity really makes you feel…well, insane. You start to doubt your abilities, your strength and where you fit in the world. The things you say to yourself can be cruel and incredibly isolating. But it’s a necessary process to healing and acceptance of your new life.

Fast forward past the emotional disastrous years it took me to learn to trust and believe in myself again. I’ve been focusing on me… I started a new career that I had no experience in. I settled into life as the head of my household. I have loved my kids and made them my priority above all else.

Is it lonely at times? Of course! Do I wish I had a partner when I’m frustrated and need a break? Without a doubt. It would be SO great to have someone actually volunteer to take the trash out. Would I give up the journey I’ve had? Never in a million.

I’m still a complete work in progress. I still argue with my girlfriends about when I’ll be ready to be in a relationship (we really must stop making this the definition of happiness). I still argue with myself on a day basis about putting myself out there again. But now I listen to my little voice. She says I’m not ready.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That’s why I’m determined to not only survive one at a time as a single mom, but to thrive in it. My goal for 2014 is to enjoy my life for what it is. I’m trying not to think of everything on my list as a chore.

I’m stubborn though. And I relapse occasionally, feeling sorry for myself. I wonder how others can move so quickly from one relationship to the next. But then I remember this is my journey and my truth… And MY little voice. And I trust her now.

Who knows what my future holds. I have two great kids and a job I am passionate about. And I am content knowing I am doing the best I can and being true to myself.

Plus, when I go to sleep tonight, I am hogging all the covers and sleeping in the middle of my king-sized… I mean bed. 🙂

Much love,