Sexuality and Masturbation
Teaching children about sexuality and masturbation without shame.
When I speak with parents who have children ages 6-10, I ask if they've talked with them about stranger danger, drugs and religion. Parents proudly nod their heads. But when I tell them it's also time to talk with their children about sex, I often get a deer-in-the-headlights stare.
The truth is, there's a small window of opportunity to talk with children about sex, and too many parents miss it. In addition to delivering babies, I work with adults struggling with sexual dysfunction. When I interview them, I ask what they were taught about sex as a child, and at least 90 percent tell me they received little to no sex education from their parents. Instead, they accumulated information and ideas from peers, pornography and brief lectures in school.
The American College of OB/GYN recommends parents begin a comprehensive sexual discussion with their children before they turn 10. I believe the ideal window of time for "the sex talk" opens when children are between 6 and 10 years of age. During these golden years, children still feel bonded to Mom and Dad, they view parents as smart and recognize parents as their advocates.
If you wait any longer, kids' hormones ramp up, quickly dissolving parental credibility. Plus, 6- to 10-year-olds speak what's on their mind and freely ask questions.
When it's time to address a sexual topic, parents should remember these five things all children need: affirmation, information, value clarification, limits and anticipatory guidance. Here's how to do so regarding one of the tougher topics to talk about — masturbation.
Affirmation. Children need to understand their questions, concerns and feelings are normal. If you find your son alone, watching television with his hands nonchalantly down his pants, you can start the conversation by saying, "I know it feels good to touch yourself." This simple statement might be embarrassing, but it can provide the opening you need to begin a frank, open discussion.
Information. Kids also need clear and concise explanations. Guide them, and give them the facts. Masturbation is normal and healthy: Studies show some 95 percent of adult males and 89 percent of adult females masturbate. And be sure to dispel silly myths. No, hair won't grow on palms that masturbate. No, masturbation doesn't cause blindness.
Value clarification. Every family's beliefs differ, so take the time to clearly explain yours. Some parents may approve of self-pleasuring at any age, while others encourage reserving sexual feelings for married life. It's important for parents to know their own beliefs, and explicitly discuss it with their partners before conveying these values to their children.
Limits. It's a parent's responsibility to teach right from wrong. Depending on family standards, it can be as simple as saying, "It's OK to touch yourself, if you're in your room." Or, you may counsel, "Wait to arouse sexual emotions until marriage." You need to make sure your child clearly understands what you expect from him or her.
No matter your opinion on the topic, teach children to avoid pornographic materials. Today's youth easily can access pornography via the Internet, but degrading sexual images can quickly mutate into damaging addictions.
Anticipatory guidance. Proactively anticipate children's needs. It's easier to initiate an open, positive, two-way dialog about masturbation before finding a bottle of lotion stashed between your son's sheets. By planning ahead, you can make sure your discussion with your child is calm, orderly and informative, rather than loud, angry and panicked.
These five principles come from Deborah Roffman, the author of two books I recommend for sex education in the home: "But How'd I Get in There in the First Place?" (terrific for 4- and 5-year-olds), and "Sex and Sensibility" (appropriate for all ages). Books offer a great jumping off point for parents, as do TV shows, newspaper articles and all the sexual images bombarding our youth.
Recently, my boys and I watched a popular "family show" that unexpectedly showed two women kissing. It provided an ideal opportunity. I paused the show and asked, "What do you think about that?" By optimizing teaching moments, teenagers (though they may roll their eyes) recognize parents are open and available to talk about all facets of sexuality.
Our children need guidance — and who better to give it to them than their loving parents? Teach them that sexuality is part of being human, relay your values and set safe limits.
Dr. Alyse Kelly-Jones is an obstetrician/gynecologist and sexual health expert at Mintview OB/GYN and the Center for Sexual Health & Education
