PARENTING AND SOCIAL MEDIA: Why I Stopped Posting Photos of My Social Life
I want my kids to be thoughtful and self-assured. My own social media habits demonstrated the opposite.
When I was in 7th grade, I was invited to a friend’s Super Bowl party. I got the invite on a Saturday morning and looked forward to it all weekend. When I arrived at the front door of the hosting friend that Sunday afternoon, his mom let me know they had made a last-minute change and gone to another friend’s house. But no one had called to tell me.
I went home defeated, the pit of loneliness and isolation overtaking my stomach as I sat home alone, fantasizing of the fun being had without me. It was made worse by the consideration that they had done all this shuffling around just to exclude me.
That was in the late 90s, when the agony of missing out was restricted to what you imagined in your own mind. I cannot fathom the torment of being a kid today, and having to watch what you are missing out on in real time on social media. Forget the FO in FOMO. With social media, our kids don’t have the fear of missing out, they just have the reality of missing out.
I am dreading the days of having to walk my kids through this torture. Even as an adult with a fully formed brain and maturity to depersonalize, it can sting to see my friends’ stories and posts from an event that didn’t include me. I can also become inundated with depressive feelings watching people from afar live what seems like jam-packed lives of travel and events. (Those with a little bit of money who are unencumbered by young children can occasionally make me want to burn my whole life down.)
It forced me to question myself: if I am setting the example for how my children should show up in the world, should I be posting every social moment of my life? Do I want to contribute to a system and social norm that is certain to gut my children at varying points of their adolescence?
We have become conditioned to the idea that if we are out enjoying our life with other people, we must record it and share it with others. But why? I honestly sat and reflected on this question. Why do I feel compelled to get a picture of every social moment and show it off?
It doesn’t enhance my experiences. There is no tangible benefit to me. The only impact this has on the world is the potential to make other people feel bad, left out, or further add to the inauthentic “highlight reel” lifestyle that leaves everyone, adults included, to feel like shit about their own lives. And besides, how many photos does one need of the same-ish group of people huddled up in a line?
It became clear that my motivation to post every dinner, party, event, or gathering was a silly, unconscious, almost robotic habit ingrained upon us over the last decade of social media prevalence. If I examine my motives on a deeper level, posting my social life has been a bid for validation and a childish attempt to prove my worthiness to the masses. This completely contradicts the values I’m attempting to instill in my kids.
If my kids see me rally my friends for a photo every time I’m with them and then push it out to social media to scream – hey look at us, we’re out here doing things and having an amazing, fun life! – they too will believe this is the standard protocol to living a full life. By perpetuating this, I will be helping to reinforce a machine destined to hurt them. And I will be teaching them that they must convince others of their worthiness in order to really matter.
I try (and fail) to set a good example of a healthy balance between the digital and real world. I did not want my kids growing up with the memory of their mom’s gaze always cast upon her phone. Now that they are getting older and a few years away from digital access themselves, it’s important that I provide an example of why and when I engage in social media.
Having resisted the urge to post every grip and grin shot over the last year or more, I’m here to report that my life has not changed. When there are milestones, holidays, important moments, and gatherings of faraway friends and family, I might share them with the world. I still take lots of photos because I do value capturing memories. Just as much as I value helping to shape a world for my kids that values intentionality and kindness over validation-seeking.
The adage goes – before you speak, consider these three things: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Perhaps the only question we need to ask ourselves before we post is: Why?
