Happy Holidays to all Except One

This post appeared in the December 2014 issue of Charlotte Parent.

During this wonderful time of year, full of good tidings and joy, I’m constantly reminded of one overriding thought: Man, I really, really hate Google.

Now I look at it, maybe I owe you folks an explanation. It’s not that I’ve got a hate on for the world’s number-one-ranked Internet search engine. Google’s problem, as I see it, is it allows my three sons to start googling names and places and trying to discover connections. Yes, I know. That’s the whole point of Google.

But it’s my boys, see? For as long as I can remember, I’ve received presents “from” obscure pieces of trivia. If I understood the trivia, I could figure out what was beneath all the wrapping paper. Unlike my sister, who became frighteningly skilled at removing and restoring the colorful paper, I preferred to match wits with my dad. I didn’t win often, but, when I did, it was cause for celebration.

Of course, when it came time for me to assist Santa in the delivery of presents, I gloried in giving the trivia hints. And things went oh, so wonderfully. Right up until the day my middle son picked up a present, read who it was from, put it down, picked it up, spelled out the words, then raced upstairs into the Creature Cave. His victory scream sounded like the death knell of an era to me. I knew immediately what had happened. His brothers, not so much. Until he explained, then they all vanished upstairs to begin googling the names on their presents.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina. I mean, I still get a bit sneaky, but now we’re talking references so obscure they don’t even show up on Google. Which means, so obscure, I sometimes forget why I put that name there.

But still. . . still. . . If I had only one wish for this time of year, it would be for Google to cease to exist, if only long enough to truly enjoy a contest of sneakiness versus youth, meanness versus inexperience.

Sigh. Happy holidays, everyone … except you, Google, everyone except you.

Richard E.D. Jones is co-author of the book “A Dude’s Guide to Babies: The New Dad’s Playbook.” Read more from Richard on his Stay-at-Home Dude blog.