ASK A MOM: Weight concerns, uncomfortable conversations, and the funniest question in “Ask A Mom” history
Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions in this ongoing series
Q: Hi Molly! My daughter (11) has always been a solid girl. Our pediatrician was concerned about her weight at her last two check-ups and recommended cutting back on sweets, fast food, etc., which we have. We even let her pick out some stuff at Sephora in exchange for her Halloween candy. But my extended family will often ask me if her weight concerns me (not in front of her, thank God), as if I’m not aware that she’s heavy. Then they’ll criticize me for not giving her a second helping of dessert (in front of everyone) like I’m somehow depriving her…or my mother-in-law will slip her a candy bar because “just one won’t hurt.” It’s like they support the goal but disapprove of my methods. With Thanksgiving coming up, I’d love some advice on how to handle this.
A: This is a great question, especially as we enter the holidays and often-offered buffets of food. I took your words to a great friend of mine, who is a pediatrician with Novant Health. Dr. Sameena Hassan.
“I have lots of thoughts,” she says. “Beginning with how the most important role models to any child are their immediate family members. I commend this mom for trying to be a good example and for making their home one where they cut back on fast food. A child learns eating habits based on what they see.”
She went on to say despite what society perpetuates—no one body type is best.
“We come in all different shapes and sizes,” she says. “Any changes to family meals should be done as a family, not with any one person singled out. And, it’s okay to have sweets/treats in moderation. So, if they don’t see Grandma/extended family as a common occurrence, maybe it’s best not to sweat what’s happening this Thanksgiving.”
As for addressing the overarching issue with your mother-in-law… In an ideal world, you could share your preferences for eating choices. She’d listen. Understand. Respect your request to back off her food pushes.
But…
Dr. Hassan laughs. “That’s a great thought. But in reality, that’s unlikely to happen without therapy. Just my personal two cents, not a medical opinion.”
She suggests that if you choose not to say anything to your MIL, continue to teach your child how and why fruits, vegetables, and non-processed foods nourish their body. Food is actual energy for their insides. Remind them (continually, as they’re kids and it takes 100 times for something to stick) that their own choices can make them strong and feel good.
“With time, your child will learn to make good decisions on their own,” she says. “And if you still have Halloween candy leftover as you read this mid-November, throw it all away.”
Q: My husband and I have tried really hard to shield our kids from the political ads during this election cycle, but sometimes it feels unavoidable. My 9-year-old son heard the word “trans” on some ad and asked what it means. What’s an age-appropriate way to explain it to him? I also want to keep him talking about it with his younger sisters—not because I think it’s something to be ashamed of, I just want to be the one to tell them when they’re a bit older.
A: Here’s the truth: Kids know more than we think.
If they don’t know actual details, they’ll see or hear some version of truth soon enough. Example: Years ago, my (then) 5th grade daughter came home and told my husband and me one of her friends was pansexual. Said it casually as she walked around the kitchen. He tried not to look at me perplexed as I googled its meaning.
I share this to emphasize the legitimacy of your question, and also acknowledge that parents who avoid explaining complicated things only lead kids to find answers elsewhere—even at really young ages.
To get professional advice, I took your question to Jonathan Anslow, Psy.D., at HealthQuest. He says it can feel impossible to keep up with what kids know because there is just SO much information.
“As this mom said, certain concepts can pop up randomly in advertisements,” he says. “Even when we’re just trying to watch a family show. Try as we might, we can never completely ‘shield’ our children. They’ll get exposure to various concepts from different sources: Peers, parents, coaches, school/teachers, church/synagogue/mosque leaders, etc. To stay ahead of the curve and be a trusted source, you must first establish yourself as an accessible reference point.”
What does that mean?
“It means you model patience,” Dr. Anslow says. “You listen intently and respond with a non-reactive and neutral tone. You want to share facts with honesty. Give your child information to digest. Then, see what they do with the knowledge.”
He went on to say that it’s great to assess the age and development of the child in question AND who that child is from a subjective standpoint.
“Some 9-year-olds may be more capable of processing certain concepts than others,” Dr. Anslow says. “Perhaps because they don’t have excessive anxiety or various educational challenges. I don’t know this mom’s son, but explaining the label ‘trans,’ can be simply stated—in non-dramatic form—with elementary words. Something like: ‘Some people don’t feel right in their bodies. They might have a boy’s body but feel more like a girl. Some girls might feel more like boys.’ I’d keep it that basic.”
Dr. Anslow reiterates that it’s important to let the child sit with the new information after you explain. Then see if he/she has any follow-up questions.
“If a child then asks, ‘What do you mean a girl feels more like a boy?’, you could respond with, ‘Well, they might like things often associated with boys, like the color blue or football.’ Whatever you say, keep it simple.”
And if you’re getting questions from kids about something you don’t know much about, be honest.
“You can defer to the child as well,” Dr. Anslow says. “You can ask, ‘Well, what do you think?’”
I’ll chime in here and say that when Parker dropped “pansexual” in our house, I googled… but then asked her what she thought it means. She gave an accurate definition with limited 10-year-old vocabulary. It helped me gauge where her current understanding really sat.
“In the end, just inviting discussion ultimately helps start the process of understanding,” Dr. Anslow says. “As for keeping him from talking about it to his younger sisters, there’s no guarantee, of course, but you might request he come to you to discuss these matters and not his siblings. Just be honest. Tell him it might be confusing for them.”
Q: Do babies really need socks?
A: The most hysterical question in “Ask a Mom” column history.
Even funnier: The answer is highly-debatable.
Mummy-time and Parenting How To say yes, “You need socks.” A comprehensive summary of “Why?” can be boiled down to three reasons:
1. To help keep a baby’s feet warm in early months when circulation isn’t yet fully developed.
2. To protect tiny feet from scrapes and give traction to prevent slipping (when crawling/walking).
3. To absorb sweat and keep feet dry.
It’s also suggested to stick to closed-toe shoes or sandals to protect toes, and when picking socks, avoid synthetic materials that can irritate baby skin.
An argument to not wear socks altogether comes from Comfy4Babies.com. The article is written by a mom of twins. While socks can be safe for children while sleeping, she says wearing them might overheat your baby and tight socks can hurt circulation. Or, she then says, loose socks can come off and pose a choking hazard
Lots of “what-if” fears.
As a nice middle-of-the-road answer, Footfiles says socks are sometimes needed, sometimes not.
“Even though socks are sometimes necessary to help regulate your infant’s temperature and keep his/her feet protected from sunburn and sharp objects, they can also pose serious health risks to your newborn,” the article relays. “In fact, doctors often recommend infants go barefoot in order to have the ability to fully wiggle their toes … it’s best to allow your baby to go without socks as often as possible when in a heated room or on warm summer days.”
This article, too, warned about tight socks reducing circulation, quoting a condition called sock-line hyperpigmentation.
“This is a harmless but permanent scar caused by the red lines that appear from wearing too-tight socks,” the article reports. “To be on the safe side, make sure you can place your finger between the fabric and your baby’s skin to assure a sock doesn’t fit too tight.”
There you go.
Thank you for sending your questions this month. Please note: Only three real weekends between the end of Thanksgiving break and Christmas this year. Lots to do in less time. Good luck and plan accordingly.
—Molly
MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.
