ASK A MOM: Financial literacy, first dental visits, and setting boundaries with a new baby
Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions in this ongoing series
Q: Hi Molly! My 8-year-old daughter keeps asking how much money my husband and I make. She wants to know the specific dollar amount on our paychecks. I just tell her we make enough to afford our house, food, and all the things we need to live. The truth is, we live paycheck-to-paycheck, but I don’t want her to worry that we don’t make enough or compare our income with her peers. Should we tell her how much money we make? —Jasmine
A: “My kids used to ask me that a lot,” says Lise Robinson, a single mom of three. “Especially when they were about the ages of Jasmine’s daughter. But at that time, they also thought $100 was a fortune. So, telling them the actual amount was useless (and potentially dangerous).”
Robinson—now a Managing Partner at TrinityPoint Wealth, which has offices in Charlotte and Milford, Connecticut—suggests trying to redirect them to the value of “a dollar.”
“Telling them I had enough to pay the bills was my starting point,” she says. “Then I would talk about how much those bills were. I’d go through each bill, starting with housing. Whether mortgage or rent, I’d tell them that figure. Then the TV bill. The Internet bill. Electricity. Heat. Water, etc. I tried to instill that all the stuff they take for granted, actually costs money. That’s why I had to go to work every day.”
Eventually, she says, they either got “overwhelmed or bored” with her answers and stopped asking. “But I think they still learned a little something along the way.”
Alise White, a marketing director with TrinityPoint Wealth, agrees with Lise. “Avoiding the actual number is good, because an 8-year-old thinks any number is a lot,” she says. “The value of a dollar is the most important lesson. You can use the state minimum wage as an example. If you start working at a fast food restaurant making $X/hour, how many hours would you have to work to save for… say… a new iPad? This puts cost in perspective without disclosing true salary.”
Alise says emphasis on the value of work and how it supports a family is what’s important.
“My daughter took a personal finance class her freshman year,” she says. “Her teacher was a former investment advisor and had the kids track all their expenses for back to school (backpacks, sneakers, etc.). Then, based on the minimum wage, they determined how many hours they’d have to work to buy all those things. Later in the semester they did a similar exercise where they had to choose the career they wanted and determine how much schooling was involved. When they examined the cost of school versus the average starting salary for that career, they realized how many years it’d take to pay off their loans.”
You could change out the details, she says, but it was a good lesson about the need to save, and a great exercise for any age.
Q: First time mom here. What’s the best age to bring a child to the dentist?
A: This answer comes from SouthPark dentist, Dr. Stephanie Chen.
“And I’m quoting exactly from the guidelines of the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry!” she laughs. She says the AAPD recommends the first examination at the time of the eruption of the first tooth—or no later than 12 months of age.
The American Dental Association (ADA) and the AAPD also support a “Dental Home,” which essentially means building an ongoing relationship between the dentist and patient. The relationship should include comprehensive oral health care beginning no later than age 1, as young ages are critical opportunities to implement preventative health practices.
“Having a relationship with the dentist helps reduces the child’s risk of preventable dental/oral disease,” Chen says.
I’ll add this unscientific anecdote: My older two kids (13 and 9) don’t mind going to the dentist. They started going as 1-year-olds. But my youngest (4), hates dentist trips. He was born during COVID, so he didn’t start the dental track until a little later. The less you go to something, the more you have to fear.
Q: I’m due with our second baby in September and my in-laws are WAY too eager to come visit our newborn. Now that we have a toddler, my husband thinks it will be helpful to have more family around, but it wasn’t helpful at all the first time—it just added to my anxiety. How can I ask for space without offending anyone? —Courtney
A: Oh, let’s talk. You might land in a place of compromise, but it’s okay first to vent complaints. I’m pulling up a seat.
With your first baby, you generally have a parade of visitors. Like you implied, first time moms don’t understand the importance of boundaries and we learn from our missteps. With my first baby, I had more than 18 visitors inside the hospital (including TV cameras) in two days. Though I was jubilant, it was exhausting. Once home, it seemed even busier. I had my very excited mom, both my mother and father-in-law, and soon after, my stepmom and her new husband, all in my house. I felt like a hostess rather than a new mom learning how to breastfeed and heal my broken body. I’d wake up tired, then wear myself out trying to serve our guests. Newbornhood only started getting a little better a few weeks later when visitors were gone and it was just me and my girl.
By my second baby, we set boundaries. I didn’t say, “Yes!” to anyone who wanted to stop by the hospital. Once home, my mom could come the first few days but had to leave at night. We said my in-laws—from out-of-state (sounds like yours might be as well)—could come for two days BEFORE we had the baby and when we were in the hospital they could keep our toddler. I asked my stepmom to come two weeks later. When she arrived, she could really help me, as I had a system in place.
Our third baby was during COVID; the dilemma of visitors non-existent. Had it not been a pandemic, I would’ve set similar boundaries as baby #2.
So I suggest thinking through what might actually be helpful to you, and make sure everyone knows that plan before you head into labor. What will help YOU? Do you need someone at home to watch the toddler? Do you need someone to meal plan the first week you’re back? Grocery shop? Do laundry? By giving others a specific role, it gives them importance. Then, once you give that role, let it go. Don’t micromanage how they do the job.
You can also lay out the timeline before the baby is born. Say how long you expect people will be there (so a 3-day trip doesn’t extend into a full week if that’s not wanted).
Putting my in-laws in charge of my 3-and-a-half-year-old when we had our second baby was awesome. They FaceTimed us in the hospital so she could “meet” her baby brother—and more importantly—it kept my husband in the hospital with me almost the entire time. The whole journey felt totally different than the first baby.
If you don’t feel comfortable having the conversation with your in-laws, ask your husband to have it, representing you both. Bottom line: You’re the one giving birth. You get to dictate a few things to make your life as comfortable as possible in an uncomfortable time.
A well-thought plan is a generally nice starting point no matter the obstacle. Good luck.
With that, my friends, it’s time for school. Another summer in the rearview. (Can you believe Atlanta Public Schools returned August 1st?!?) Here’s to September calendars peeking around as we barrel towards that next exit. Be gentle with yourself as you jump in—the insanity of routines can be tough to remember.
—Molly
MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.
