Preparing College-Bound Teens to Speak for Themselves

When children enter college or leave home to join the workforce, they no longer can rely on their parents and other adults to be their constant advocates. They will need to communicate directly with professors to negotiate grades and with other adults, such as bank tellers and car mechanics.

This can be nerve-racking for any 18-year-old, whose limited negotiation skills have been tested only while arguing for a curfew extension or to get Dad to pay for an unlimited texting plan. And for shy or introverted teens, it can be anxiety provoking.

The high school years are the perfect time to help teens test their self-advocacy skills. Starting now will help prepare them for when they will need to do this on their own after they leave the nest. Here are some tips to help get them started:

• Discuss their strengths and weaknesses. Challenge them to consider what they’re good at and how they prefer to learn. Ask what areas are most challenging and don’t forget to include study habits and time management in the discussion. Closer to graduation, start coaching them on how to ask professors, mentors, or employers for feedback and help.

• Beef up their experience. Role play situations they might encounter, such as having to speak with the university registrar. Start by outlining the goals of the conversation — is it a fact-finding mission or a negotiation? What’s the desired outcome, and what does success look like?

• Encourage them to ask questions. The folks they’re relying on would rather have them ask questions proactively, than stumble later and have to repeat the conversation. Make clear that it’s always OK to admit when they don’t fully understand something. And if your teen is hesitant to role play with you, consider asking a youth minister or coach for help.

• Start now — practice can be empowering. Have teens set up meetings with teachers or coaches to go over progress and goals. Sit in on the conversation for support, but don’t take the lead. Let teens take the car for an oil change, and watch how they handle themselves. Even asking them to listen in on credit card interest rate negotiations over the phone can provide helpful examples of successful communication.

• Praise curiosity and find support. Teens need to know asking questions actually makes them look smart — not stupid, helpless, or immature. It’s actually a sign of maturity and signals to adults they’re genuinely engaged! And help them discover where, or to whom, they can go for support. Although they have to learn to advocate on their own, they need to know how to find adults to help them … and this can include parents.

Melinda Harper, Ph.D., teaches psychology at Queens University of Charlotte. Her private practice at Charlotte Psychotherapy & Consultation Group focuses on children and adolescents.