Raising Voices: Teaching Kids to Advocate for Themselves

One of the toughest parts of parenting is watching your child struggle. Whether they’re upset about a grade, being left out of a party, or not making the starting lineup of a sport, it’s hard to ignore the immediate impulse to jump in to fix things for them.

This reaction is understandable. “Children are a natural extension of their parents,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the “How Can I Help?” podcast. “Parents love their children, so there is a desire to do what it takes to ease their pain, prevent mistakes, and make things better.”

When a child is in immediate physical or emotional danger, a parent should always intervene. But in less dire situations, encouraging a child to advocate for themselves can be a better approach. “Ultimately want their children to grow up to be independent, self-reliant and resilient,” Saltz says. “To do that, kids need to learn how to face bumps in the road and in certain situations, advocate for themselves. While this approach may require more time, emotional energy and patience, it benefits kids in the long run.”

Assess the Situation

Before deciding how to approach a situation, parents need to fully understand what has occurred. (Again, anything dangerous should be handled by the parent.) But let’s assume it’s not a high-risk situation. For example, the child is upset about a grade on a test. It’s possible the teacher graded it unfairly or didn’t give partial credit. But it’s also possible that the grade is fair and the child is just disappointed in their performance.

“Some situations don’t need advocating,” Saltz says. “Sometimes, instead of speaking up, the child needs to experience the disappointment and learn from it for the future.”

Learn How and When to Speak Up

After assessing the situation with your child, brainstorm some possible solutions. Help your child identify what they’re feeling and show them how to express it in a clear, respectful way. Saltz suggests parents role-play with their children. “Ask your child to pretend you are the teacher an explain their concerns,” Saltz says. “Play out different scenarios about what the teacher might say in response.”

Things like timing (requesting an appointment rather than storming into the office) and tone are key when self-advocating. “The way you say something may be as important as what you are saying,” Saltz says. “You don’t want to approach someone until you feel in control of your emotions.”

It’s also important to remember that feelings are not facts. Just because your child is upset, it’s not a reason for a teacher to change a grade. “Explain to your child that saying, ‘I deserve a better grade’ without concrete reasons probably won’t be effective,” Saltz says. “But having data points to support your reasons can be beneficial.”

Discuss empathy and be open to someone else’s point of view. For example, the teacher may not be able to change the grade, but the might suggest an extra credit project.

Be a Role Model

Children learn by example. “If your child sees you being insolent or rude when you don’t get your way,” Saltz says, “they are going to think that is an appropriate way to behave.”

The way you speak to your spouse, a waiter, or the person in front of you at the grocery store will all impact your child. “The saying ‘you catch more flies with honey’ is still true,” Saltz says. “Make sure you are speaking kindly to other people when you are getting a point across. If you are threatening or cursing to get your way, your child will think it is okay to do the same.”

Praise Effort

Sometimes, when you advocate for yourself, you get what you want. But sometimes the outcome isn’t what you hoped. As adults, you may fight a parking ticket only to lose the battle or ask for a raise but not receive it. That doesn’t mean that speaking up was a waste of time and energy.

If speaking up doesn’t go your child’s way, give them the space to be upset. “Acknowledge that they are sad or disappointed that speaking up didn’t change things,” Saltz says. “Ultimately, advocating is a skill that they will use throughout their life, so learning that it won’t always be successful is a lesson too.”

Be sure to praise the effort regardless of the outcome. Parents can say, “It was brave of you to go to the teacher by yourself,” or “Even though she didn’t change the grade, I am proud of you for advocating for yourself.” Let kids know you are confident in their ability to speak up for themselves and that, with practice, it will get easier.

RANDI MAZZELLA is a freelance writer specializing in parenting, teen issues, mental health, and wellness.