A Bittersweet Truth About Motherhood

Preparing for when the kids venture outside the nest

On a recent episode of “Jenna & Friends,” host Jenna Bush Hager shared a revelation she had several years ago. “We’d always had Halloween with our family and family friends,” the mother of three said, “and Mila, my daughter, was like, ‘I want to go trick-or-treating with other people.’ At first, I was like, ‘Wait—what? Like, how dare you,’ but then I realized: I’m not going to be in all my kids’ memories … we should make our kids feel confident so they can go and be their own people.”

Letting go and allowing a child the space to separate can be difficult. “It is internal for parents, especially mothers who are more often the primary caregivers,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at the Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “They want to stay intimately connected to their child but also realize that the ultimate goal of parenting is to create functional adults who are able to go out into the world and live independent lives.”

Preparing children to navigate life without us is an integral part of parenting. “Children must learn to make their own decisions and choose their own safe and moral paths,” says Dr. Kenneth R. Ginsburg (MD, FAAP, FSAHM), a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and author of LIGHTHOUSE PARENTING: Raising Your Child with Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond. “The best time to make mistakes is when they are younger and have loving adults in their life to be there for them as they work to recover from those mistakes.”

Establish Rules

Kids often feel ready to do an activity independently before their parents do. “Allowing your child to get involved in a new activity isn’t just about it being age-appropriate, it’s about knowing whether they are developmentally ready to do so,” Ginsburg says. “Parents establish rules for their children to give them a safe way to take on responsibilities little by little. Children need boundaries for stability, but they also need to push boundaries to grow.”

Parents may receive pushback from their kids when they set certain limits, so it’s important to remind kids that rules stem from love and concern for their safety. “If they are ready to achieve another milestone – like trick-or-treating with friends on their own—celebrate this and let them do it—with established boundaries,” Ginsburg says. “When you set limits, remind your child you’re doing so out of love for them and to keep them safe. And don’t forget to tell them in advance the consequences of going beyond those set boundaries.”

Fear of Missing Out

Many years ago, I couldn’t attend my son’s baseball game. Although I had gone to most of his games that year, the one I missed was when he hit his first home run.

“It’s like that old saying, ‘If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it fall?'” Saltz says. “A great moment is still great even without a parent present to see it. They may be more excited about celebrating with their peers anyway. Conversely, a hard moment is still difficult, whether a parent is there to embrace them or not.”

While I wish I hadn’t missed out on his home run, it was just that—his home run—not mine. My son’s moment wasn’t less exciting to him because I wasn’t there to see it. I was the one who needed to let go of my sadness and focus on him. “Celebrate their accomplishment and tell them how proud you are of them,” Saltz says. “Allow the sole ownership of an achievement to be theirs alone.”

Letting Go

Family traditions like trick-or-treating or watching the New Year’s ball drop are great for bonding and creating memories. But as kids get older, those types of activities may not hold the same appeal as they did when they were younger. “As children become more independent,” Ginsburg says, “they often want to spend more time with peers than family as they work to answer big questions like ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Where do I fit in?'”

Don’t lay a guilt trip on your child or force family fun, as this approach will most likely backfire. Instead, try to stay flexible and balanced. “Family time, even for teens, is important, but the key is to know how to make that happen,” Ginsburg adds. “If you insist, and it feels like a burden, they will reject it.”

Staying Connected

“Children and teens appreciate our guidance on how to navigate the world,” Ginsburg says. “They learn to trust themselves because we trust them. And we trust them because we have prepared them. They see themselves as capable because they possess skills to manage their lives.”

While parents may be less physically present in their children’s lives as they age, they still play a pivotal role. “It is natural and expected in adolescence for young people to want to push away from their parents to test their independence and boundaries,” Ginsburg says. “When they make mistakes or fail at things, that’s how they learn to come back from those mistakes. But they still need your guidance and to know that you’ll be there for them even if they fail.”

Be Kind to Yourself

As Bush Hager eloquently expressed, grief can surface when your child needs you less or reaches a new life stage. “Even if you are excited about the person your child is becoming, you might mourn the fact that you no longer have a toddler or young child that turns to you for all of their needs,” says Liz Kelly LICSM, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy: A No-nonsense Guide to Improving Your Mental Health. “It’s important to let yourself name and feel your emotions without judgment. You are allowed to miss your child’s younger versions while embracing who they are becoming. But don’t allow your grief to stifle their independence and growth.”