ASK A MOM: Parental controls, saving and investing, and gender disappointment
Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions in this ongoing series
Q: Do you know of a resource in town that could help me child-proof my kids’ iPad? They are ages 6 and 8, but they are getting to the point where they know more about using iPad than I do. I just want to restrict access to YouTube, etc. and add some basic parental controls. I figured you may know of a place to turn. —Matt
A: “Get Kids YouTube.”
That’s the instant answer from my 13-year-old daughter. She babysits and helps me monitor her 9-year-old and 4-year-old brothers’ screen limits. She’s also in 8th grade. She knows the work-arounds kids use and DON’T want parents to know.
Surprisingly though, that’s where her advice stopped. She says she knows our family has time limits where phones and iPads get shut off and that families whose homes she visits have other family rules, but she doesn’t know intricacies. (Which is a good sign that we as the adults can still stay a step ahead.)
So I’m glad you asked this question. It sent me on an investigative journey.
First off, what I didn’t find: A company in Charlotte that does what you’re asking. If there is a business child tech-proofing devices in Charlotte, I’d love to help them with marketing. (If you know of one, please share with Charlotte Parent. Let’s feature them to learn more!)
What I did find: This national top 10 list of apps with parent reviews, just out this month.
Check out the second most popular app on that list, Bark. My sister-in-law says it has great reviews from her circle of friends (in Atlanta). She says Bark not only monitors, but also filters for specific words. It catches all profanity, but also words like “bully” and “drugs,” or sexual innuendos. She heard such good things about Bark that she paid for and downloaded the app… but then didn’t really use it. When I asked why, she said she found lots of parental security through Apple controls that are already on your devices … and… Bark requires heavy parent involvement.
Which brings us to this important fact: All the best security measures involve parent monitoring. Screens as a babysitter without any actual human-sitting, still gives kids access to the world. No matter what boundaries are in place, you still have to check their phone and look at browsing history. When your child is engulfed in something on a screen and ignoring you, look over their shoulder to see what they’re watching.
For the future, when your 6- and-8-year-olds get into tween and teenage years, you’ll also have to look at texts, chat histories, IG, Snapchat, deleted messages, etc. Every family is different in the amount of effort they’re willing to put forth. Ultimately what works best is hyper-attention from adults to keep things safe.
Q: With the rough economic times we live in, what are the best ways to approach saving and investing for our little ones? We live paycheck-to-paycheck. It feels impossible to put anything away. —Name withheld
A: “This will sound decidedly old school,” says Mike Smiley, a managing partner with TrinityPoint Wealth, “but if you’re asking younger children to save, a good-ol’ piggy bank can be useful. Or open a bank savings account. Just make sure there are no fees.”
If you’re asking about how adults can save for their kids’ futures, he suggests thinking of it like how grocery store checkouts sometimes ask you to round up.
“You know how they ask you if you’d like to help a particular charity or fund by going up a few cents to the closest dollar? Use this approach to funding your own accounts with change. Pay with cash and deposit the spare change into a jar or bottle at home. When it has enough, put it in a bank account (again one with no fees). Also, some bank accounts offer the same round-up option. Meaning, you can move spare change from your checking after a debit card transaction to a savings account.”
Smiley says an added benefit of paying with cash or a debit card is you generally spend less. Living paycheck-to-paycheck can be incredibly stressful, and whatever path you choose—even if it’s small bits at a time—do something you don’t have to think too hard about. (Like rounding up to the nearest dollar with change.)
“Over time,” he says, “you may surprise yourself with how much you save with just a little effort.”
His advice matches up with what Alisa White (also from TrinityPoint Wealth), suggests: Start small and start early.
“Even small contributions can grow with the power of compound interest,” she says. “Make sure to design a budget that allows for realistic savings for both short and long-term planning. Set up automatic savings deposits from your regular paychecks (if possible), so you aren’t tempted to use the money once it’s in your checking account.”
White says she often hears this type of question during difficult economic times. Take comfort, because you’re not alone. “Saving and investing for your child’s future is undoubtedly challenging, but also crucial,” she says. “By starting small, budgeting wisely, and leveraging available tools and programs, you can make meaningful progress.”
Q: We’re expecting baby #5 and I’m still hoping for a girl! Lol! Of course I love my boys to bits and being a boy mom is a special thing! I have a great relationship with my mom and I long to have the same thing with a daughter. This will be my last baby, so part of me wants to be surprised, but part of me wants to find out what we’re having so I can deal with the disappointment if it’s another boy. I know that first part has to be our decision, but my question is: Are there any books or resources for dealing with gender disappointment? I just want to be happy with whatever I get and I’m embarrassed that I might not! —Name withheld
A: Talk about keeping it real. Thank you.
The experts at Park Road Books in Park Road Shopping Center (amazing bookstore, FYI) went on the hunt for you. Turns out, there isn’t a specific book about gender disappointment. But Sherri, a longtime employee at PRB, came up with these alternatives as options:
The Second Baby Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith has a chapter dealing with gender disappointment.
The next two options have a religious/spiritual bend:
I Shouldn’t Feel This Way: Name What’s Hard, Tame Your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage Into Brave Action by Dr. Alison Cook. This book deals with conflicted feelings and gives positive actions to help work through them.
Overcoming Life’s Disappointments: Learning from Moses How to Cope with Frustration by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Again, taking the bigger overview feeling of disappointment with ideas on how to break through it.
If you Google “gender disappointment” (which both Sherri and I both did), you’ll find a 2023 interview from The Today Show. It says if your feelings are really strong, talk with someone you trust or a therapist who specializes in gender disappointment.
Hope this helps. However you proceed, congrats on being honest enough to name your feelings, address the fear of embarrassment, and ask this question. Acknowledgement is half the battle. You’re doing awesome, Momma. Keep on going.
September is moving fast. October ahead. Cue the candy corn debate… and keep sending in questions. I love tracking down the answers.
—Molly
MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.
