5 Pieces of Advice from a Mom of Big Kids
Since becoming a parent almost 30 years ago, not a day has gone by that I haven’t questioned myself and wondered, “Did I do the right thing?” or “Could I have handled that situation better?”
The reality is that there is no way for any parent to be perfect, and even if you did make every right decision, things can go awry. You can also make mistakes as a parent, and things can turn out fine in the end.
As poet Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” While I didn’t always make the right decisions, I did my best at the time. I learned from my mistakes, and even today, I continue to grow as a parent.
When I think back to having younger kids, I wonder what guidance I would give myself now that my kids are older. Here are five pieces of advice:
- Find a common interest
When I was growing up, my father and brothers loved to watch football on Sundays. I had no interest. But when my son became enamored with football, I decided to learn more about it. Unlike math or spelling, when it came to football, my son got to be the teacher instead of the student. He liked that he knew more about the subject and had to explain it to me. I got joy from his enthusiasm. Eventually, I went from discussing football as a way of connecting with him to actually enjoying watching the games. Now he’s in college, and we still talk about football, even calling each other after the games on Mondays.
- Help them develop both individual and group interests
When my kids were little, they participated in many group activities, from dance classes to school shows to soccer teams and baseball leagues. Group activities are great for helping kids make friends, learn sportsmanship, strive for team goals together, and work on skills. But it’s also essential for kids to have individual interests, whether it’s art, playing an instrument, or participating in a more solo sport like golf or running. As adults, it can be hard to get a group of friends together for a soccer game, but it’s great that my kids can go for a run or to the driving range alone if they want some fresh air and a chance to clear their heads.
- Enjoy the ride
You will never have a more captive audience than when you are driving your kids to school, playdates, or activities. It can be overwhelming when it feels like you’re spending half your life behind the wheel of your minivan, but try to embrace this opportunity and see it as a chance to talk to your child. The dynamic of not looking at each other can make it easier for kids to broach more complex topics that are challenging to talk about. Avoid making the car ride feel like an interrogation, but instead a chance to chat about anything on their mind. Before you know it, they’ll be driving themselves, so make this time count while you can.
- Don’t hover, but be available
We want what is best for our kids, but the reality is that sometimes everyone is unhappy. Disappointment can help build resilience. Help your child understand that doing poorly on a test doesn’t mean they are a failure. Explain that even the baseball greats strike out and sometimes you don’t get invited to the party, which hurts. Provide a safe space for your child to express their feelings. Resist the urge to fix their problems for them by calling the teacher, coach, or friend’s parents. Help your child develop their own voice, brainstorm ways to solve problems, and be their own advocate. If you do need to step in (when it’s matters of safety or bullying), don’t go behind your child’s back. Let them know you’re stepping in and why you believe the situation needs to have a grown up involved.
- Remember it’s the little moments that matter
Our family has been fortunate to be able to take some great vacations. But when they look back on their childhood, many of their best memories are little things like baking chocolate chip cookies, playing football in the snow, watching Survivor on TV, and family game nights. While big moments are fun, they can also be stressful for parents and, in turn, for kids. Little moments require less effort, time, and money and can have big payoffs. Take the time to read the bedtime story with all the funny voices, make pancakes for dinner, and let them stay up late to watch a movie, even if they’ll be a little cranky in the morning. These are simple ways to bring joy to your child’s life and remind them that you loved spending time with them.
