PARENT TO KNOW: Mindy Vergakis

Mindy Vergakis is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice, working with children, adolescents, and families. Formerly a counselor at Charlotte Latin, she specializes in ADHD, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and behavior challenges and offers individual and family counseling, as well as parent coaching and school consultations.

Here, the mom of three talks to us about the necessity of failure, when to seek professional support, and her gratitude for the women in her family.

Tell us about your family. How many children do you have and what are their ages?

We have three children, a 15 year old daughter, a 13 year old son and a 12 year old daughter.

As a licensed clinical social worker that works with kids, what’s one thing that you wish more parents knew or understood better?

Children are complicated and as rewarding as parenting can be, it’s hard! I often find myself reassuring parents that as long as you can offer them shelter, ensure they are relatively clean most of the time, and simply love them, you will not do any irreparable damage. Kids are resilient.

Kids thrive with routine and clear expectations. Make sure your kids know what you expect of them and follow through when your kids don’t meet those expectations. Kids need to fail and learn that they can become stronger and smarter as a result of those failures. If you problem-solve for your children or don’t let them experience the consequences that come from their mistakes, you inadvertently rob them of an opportunity to learn and grow.

Don’t let your need for efficiency or having something done the “right way” limit those opportunities either. Responsibility breeds confidence and increases self-esteem (what your kids think about themselves). Trust that they can likely handle more than you think they can (even if their way is a little messy).

How can parents discern when they should seek support from someone like yourself? When do things like defiance, tantrums, angst or worry cross the line from standard growing pains or phases to the need for professional support?  

When behaviors or emotions impair either your child’s ability to function or your family’s ability to function it may warrant outside support. In thinking about children’s ability to function, think about changes and impact on their academics, social skills/interactions, emotions and behavior. If any one area is severely impaired, they are struggling in multiple areas or in more than one environment (e.g. home, school, after school activities, sports, etc.), their struggle may be more than a phase in development.

In thinking about your family’s functioning, ask yourself if one child’s behavior or emotions is impacting everyone else in the family or influencing your decisions as a parent to avoid conflict. If your child has shown a pattern of struggle and you’re concerned or struggling yourself in how to parent them, it may warrant additional support.

At the end of the day, I often tell parents to trust their instincts. If you think you need support beyond what you can manage as a parent, ask for help.

Hardest part about being a mom?

Trying to give your all and do your best at a job that has no instruction manual. I think it’s hard not to doubt yourself as a parent at times.

Favorite part about being a mom?

Being able to watch your children learn and grow into good people.

Biggest parenting fail to date?

There are so many! One that stands out is thinking my oldest was being dramatic and telling her to “walk it off” only to find out later that she had broken her ankle in three places!

Best parenting advice you ever received?

You can’t take good care of everyone else if you haven’t taken good care of yourself. It’s not selfish to make sure you are mentally and physically healthy.

Marriage advice for new parents?

People are complicated beings. Whether it’s your children or your spouse, be patient and take time to understand their perspective. As parents, I also think it’s incredibly important to make time for one another, whether that’s a getaway, a date night or just carving out time to talk to one another at the end of the day.

Parenting support you could not live without?

While I love the men in my family, I call on the women and moms in my family whenever I am struggling! My grandmothers, mother, mother-in-law, and sisters-in-law are all wonderfully different and offer me such a broad perspective, whether given directly or just shown by example. Their influence and support makes me such a better parent (and partner).

Phase you feared your child would never grow out of?

I think when they were little it felt like they would never get to the point where they could do things independently. That feels like such an eternity ago now, that I cherish the moments they need me.

Favorite way to spend an unscheduled day with your kids in Charlotte? 

I’m not sure I even know what an unscheduled day looks like anymore! I think we are in the phase of life where we are constantly taking someone somewhere or just showing up to sit on the sidelines and cheer on our kids whether that be a game, a concert or some other event. If everyone is home and we have time to just be together, nothing beats sitting down around the dinner table and simply talking about our day.

Favorite Charlotte restaurant?

Showmars at the Promenade is our family’s go-to lunch spot between sports games on the weekends, but if I’m without the kids, Ilios Noche is a favorite. If I’m treating myself, Renaissance Patisserie or Suarez Bakery.

What local amenity/retailer/service could you not live without?

I try to walk or run whenever I can fit it in. I love that the Charlotte Greenway is close to where I live and my office is right off of the Southpark Loop.