ASK A MOM: Technology-free playdates, tantrums, and older siblings in the delivery room

Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions

Q: How do I as a parent deal with other kids coming over for a play date with cellphones? We are pretty strict with no iPads, video games, or phones for our kids (ages 8 and 10), but this is the third time they’ve invited a friend over who has brought a device and just sat and played games instead of engaging with our child. I find it incredibly rude, but I don’t know what the boundaries are for other parents. Can I ask them to not be on their phone and leave it in the kitchen, or is that disrespecting their parents’ wishes?

A: Your house, your rules.

If a kid shows up for a playdate glued to a screen, you’re well within your right to say, “Hey! We don’t do devices during playtime here. Let’s leave your phone in the kitchen until pickup.”

That’s not rude. That’s parenting.

Out of courtesy, you might want to give the other parent a heads up (or even ask them not to have their child bring a device), but once a child is in your home, you’re in charge. The heads up can be a polite text or quick phone call: “Just so you know, we’re screen-free during playdates, so I’ll keep Johnny’s phone in the kitchen. If you need to reach him, you’re welcome to call me or let me know to get him his phone for a message from you.” But the boundaries in your home are up to you. You’re not disrespecting anyone’s rules. You’re simply sticking to your own.

Thinking this through… it’s smart to let your own child in on it, too. Their friend might ask them, “Why?” Arming them with information is considerate of your own child. You don’t need to make it heavy. Something casual like, “When Johnny comes over, I’m going to ask him to leave his phone in the kitchen like we always do here. That way we’re all following the same rules in our house. Now, what do you two want to do today? Legos? Backyard soccer?”

Any loose version of that can help your child not get blindsided and helps you set an expectation without turning it into a lecture.

No shame in protecting the kind of childhood you want your kids to have. Especially when it’s your Wi-Fi they’re not using.

Q: We have an almost 7-year-old. He is mature for his age. I am trying to decide whether him being in the room during delivery will traumatize him?? Any suggestions or experiences?

A: This question is going to be a personal answer for any parent reading. It needs more than just a hot take answer, so I dove deep in research. Before going any further, I appreciate you asking.

Let’s start here: birth is beautiful. It’s also messy, loud, emotional, and sometimes unpredictable. While it can be a meaningful experience for a child, it’s not something to wing. Especially not a 7-year-old, no matter how mature he seems.

Studies show that kids process intense situations differently than adults, even if they appear calm on the outside. Child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham (of Aha! Parenting and author of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids notes, “Children may not have the emotional vocabulary or tools to express distress in the moment, and trauma can show up in unexpected ways later.”

Meaning, they may seem fine but develop anxiety, nightmares, or even a fear of hospitals afterward if they aren’t emotionally equipped to handle the experience.

Research published in the Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology indicates children present at births often remember it vividly, but that can be with positive memories or negative ones. Their emotions often depend heavily on preparation, the type of birth, and the support they receive during and after.

A 2022 review in Midwifery Today says children should only be present if they want to be—and if they have a trusted, emotionally available adult solely focused on them. That’s key. Your partner, your doula, or your nurse can’t be that person. You’ll need someone else there in the room for the sole job of supporting your 7-year-old, explaining what’s happening in real-time, and stepping out with him if he gets overwhelmed.

Personally, when giving birth all three times, I didn’t want to give my attention to anything or anyone but the process in front of me, and the new baby once she or he arrived. So, think this part through. You don’t want to be “mom-ing” the 7-year-old while giving birth.

I also asked a child psychologist friend in Charlotte. He says it’s easy for parents to underestimate what “mature for his age” really means. Seven is still seven. That’s (likely) second grade. Most kids at that age still cry at Disney movies. Maturity doesn’t mean immunity from trauma.

If you’re still leaning toward letting your child be in the room, test the waters first. Watch age-appropriate birth videos together. Read books like Hello Baby by Jenni Overend or We’re Having a Homebirth by Kelly Mochel. Talk openly about what birth looks like… even the messy parts. Ask him what he thinks. If he seems distracted, or says something like, “Ew, gross,” that’s your cue. If he’s curious and asks thoughtful questions, it might be worth exploring further.

FYI: I checked the American Academy of Pediatrics. It hasn’t released formal guidelines on this, likely because the variables are so personal and unique to each child, family, and delivery situation.

Ultimately, if you do go for it, have a Plan B. Make it clear he can leave the room anytime and that not watching doesn’t mean he loves his sibling any less. If you decide this isn’t the right time for him to be there, he can stay in the waiting room with someone you’ve chosen and meet his baby brother or sister a few minutes later in a calm, happy room. Then when he walks in, you’re upright, smiling, and not yelling through a contraction.

That moment can be just as powerful.

Q: My son is 3, he is all boy. Constantly hitting, biting, running. All typical I know, however he is just behaving so badly sometimes and towards other children. I have started using a “quiet chair” where if he is acting out I have him sit there, when he calms down a bit we discuss what he was doing and what he could do instead. Is this a good tactic? Also how do you deal with tantrums, specifically in public?

A: I love this question, especially as it reminds me of a hellfire tantrum from my now 14-year-old more than a decade ago. The only way I could process it was to write about it afterward (it’s in my first book, Small Victories).

But yes. Classic toddler tornado. Also known as the three-nager years: Limbs, loud noises, and zero impulse control. It’s normal, but exhausting.

Dr. Samantha Meltzer-Brody is the chair of psychiatry at UNC Chapel Hill. She says your “quiet chair” idea gets a thumbs-up. She says teaching children to “pause and reflect” is a major step toward emotional regulation. She emphasizes to use the chair NOT as punishment, but as a reset with follow-up conversation (which you’re doing—go, you!).

And look, public tantrums are hard. They just are. Deep breaths and ignore the judgy stares. Your job isn’t to entertain strangers—it’s to help your child learn to self-soothe. (And to get out of there without losing your own mind publicly.) Drop to eye level, speak calm and low, and if that doesn’t work, carry them out like a sack of potatoes and deal with it privately. Forget those looking at you. You’re parenting, not performing.

Raising kids is messy. All kids will be wild at some point. There isn’t always a “right” or a “wrong.” Sometimes it’s just survival.

Thank you for these August questions! Good luck as we’re now in back-to-school mode, and as always, keep the questions coming through the homepage of Charlotte Parent. Can’t wait to see what you ask next month.

—Molly 

MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.