ASK A MOM: Sportmanship, teacher gifts, and athleisure brands that won’t break the bank

Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions

Q: My 3rd grader and his friends are so competitive when they play sports. It seems someone always gets upset, is a bad sport, complains about fairness, the person losing storms off, etc. We’re talking a dozen different boys who otherwise get along without issue. Some of the dads try to model good sportsmanship, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Is this just part of boys growing up that will eventually change with maturity? The parents are all so encouraging of being outside playing as opposed to on devices, so no one wants to tell them they can’t play. But I’m so over it, I’m ready to cough up a big check to have some of the Panthers come put them in their place!

A: I’m not sure even the Panthers can fix this one. (Although I did ask Kelly Davis, mom of four and wife to the great #58, Thomas Davis, for her input.)

Youth sports is a highly competitive landscape and unsportsmanlike conduct is an issue. Sometimes from the kids, sometimes from parents, sometimes from coaches, and sometimes even refs. For adults unfamiliar with the current competitive kid-sport environment—it’s different than decades ago. When we were growing up, if you wanted to play a sport, you generally could. Now it’s tryouts, levels, qualifications, ratings, and often significant money shelled out simply to have a chance to get your kid involved. Each player—and family—has more skin in the game.

This isn’t to say it’s not fun. Youth sports can be crazy fun. But even if every child and parent has sportsmanlike attitudes… and just one doesn’t… that one can spread like a cancer and be the loudest voice on the field.

With that said, Kelly Davis has some thoughts. Her family is based around sports, and she’s raising kids who play.

“Youth sports are SUPER competitive,” says Kelly, who is also the founder of the Thomas Davis Family Foundation. “But there is a difference between crying and storming off, and just being upset with a loss because you don’t like to lose. A competitive spirit normally makes boys go harder so that they win the next time. As parents, we teach our kids that it’s not a good feeling to lose… but someone has to. So, putting in the work to not experience that feeling is a good lesson. And if you do lose, being a good sport and congratulating your competition is important. We always tell our kids, you never know if you will have to play that person as your teammate one day or meet up with them again later in life.”

Kelly went on to say that as much as she likes to nurture her kids, and encourage competitive spirits to improve resilience, build character, and teach problem-solving skills, she doesn’t like complaining. She tells them it will prepare them for a job when they’re older.

“Are you going to cry if you get put with a coworker you don’t like on a project? Or if your team doesn’t get the account they were after? No. You just don’t quit. Not in sports if you don’t like the call, and not later in life if it doesn’t go your way.”

Therapist Kerry Stutzman wrote an article years ago about five things to do if your kids leave every game with bad sportsmanship or complaining about the ref. Her five steps include: Asking why playing perfectly is so important, helping your child encourage other players, empathizing with unfair calls (“There are always questionable calls. Let your child they can be frustrating.”), and keeping score of the good.

I’m writing this column while at a 13-year-old girls soccer tournament in Greenville, South Carolina. After the games, the girls and their parents went out for dinner. All 15 players still in sweaty jerseys, parents casual. The only reason this large crew was bonded on a Saturday night is youth sports. A perfect place for me to share your question and get other opinions.

“I think it’s important to talk with boys early about good sportsmanship and what that looks like,” says Todd, a former youth soccer coach and dad to one. “At the end of the day though, parenting is like coaching. My experiences is that a bad sport gets picked last and if they’re consistently a bad sport with peers, they eventually don’t get invited to play anymore. That has a way of working out between boys.”

“I do think this is something that works itself out over time,” says Katie, married to a professional coach and a mom of three. “It’s hard to witness and parent at young ages, but I do love the competitiveness my third grade son has. I don’t mess around with sore loser behavior, but if he’s upset with himself for losing, striking out, reflecting… that’s okay. There will be consequences—now and later in life—if he crosses a line (throwing a helmet, a glove, etc.). But his competitiveness is starting to show itself in the classroom, and that feels great. If he gets a 23/25 on a test, he’ll say, ‘I could’ve done better,’ then reflect on where he had his error. The life lesson on fairness is something they’re learning. When he says, ‘This isn’t fair!’ I tell him, ‘Honestly, life isn’t fair. It doesn’t always feel good. It’s not always right, but it’s reality.’ When he’s on that fairness tangent, I try to give him proper tools to manage his scenarios. I love the fire, I love the drive, I love the determination to win… and I’m confident these ages will harness their competitiveness in many ways when they’re young men living out their dreams.”

“I think this is normal, especially for boys,” says Jen, a mom of two. “When my son was that age, he and his friends were always playing sports, and someone was always stomping off and bitter if they lost or didn’t get the ball. The next day, it was forgotten. Wasn’t until middle school I saw this stop. While it’s annoying, I think it’s normal.”

Good luck. I say from a position of understanding, trying to teach good sportsmanship myself, and having witnessed it all.

Q: What are some good end-of-year teacher gifts that won’t break the bank?

A: Here’s a super simple list. (Maycember has enough complications and let’s not complicate this question, or its answer.) The following compilation is from multiple teachers I sent your question to, and asked for honesty:

• Personalized teacher tumblers
• Fresh flowers
• Gift cards (Target, Amazon, restaurants, gas stations, Uber Eats. “I can always use them and they come in handy!”)
• Other gift cards (Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, bookstores. “Something as small as $5 means a lot.”)
• Emergency box filled with candy, Red Bull, gum, snack crackers
• Baskets and tote bags
• Good pens (“Expo Markers”)
• Post-it notes and/or post-in pads
• Sharpies & felt flair pens
• Words of affirmation (“a sweet handwritten note means so much!”)
• Framed picture of student(s)
• Snacks (chocolate, pretzels, nuts, etc.)
• “Find out what your teacher’s favorite snacks are and make a basket for him/her.”
• Fun, inexpensive jewelry
• Laminating sheets, index cards, books for the classroom, colored sets of 2-pocket folders, pencil cap erasers, dry erase sleeves
• Cash (“I kid, I kid…..hahahaha.”)
• “But honestly, my most treasured gifts are hand-written notes from the parents.”

Q: Hi Molly! I saw last month’s column about “Sephora Kids,” and I want to piggyback off that. I’ve got a “Lululemon Kid” situation. My 10-year-old and her friends are obsessed with Lululemon, even though most of them still wear youth sizes. What are some inexpensive athleisure brands for tween girls?

A: The problem: Lululemon has brand name recognition, and though there are great other brands, girls often just want Lulu. It’s not actually about the functionality of the athletic wear, it’s about the logo. (Don’t hate the messenger.) One Charlotte 15-year-old recommends going to a “pop-up” where gently used clothes are sold. Another teen also suggested JT Posh, a high-end consignment boutique in Dilworth that sometimes has XXS Lulu sizes.

If you’re really looking for other brands, Golden Hinge and Free People are good alternatives, though both are raising prices as they become more popular.

To provide a little more information, I took your question to my 13-year-old daughter and two of her 13-year-old friends. We were out for pizza, the three of them sitting across from me. They huddled together and texted:

“Free People = little less expensive.”

“Aerie. We like Aerie.”

“Halara.”

“White Fox has rly good sweats but they’re pretty expensive.”

“Edikted has good sweatpants.”

“Altar’d State has rly good dresses.”

“Dandy Worldwide has rly expensive but good hoodies.”

“AND BILLABONG has the GREATEST t-shirts and tees for like beach coverups but also look good with shorts.”

As a mom, I like Athleta’s price point and think they hold up well. And I agree with the teenager who said JT Posh often has a nice selection.

Happy May. Keep your questions coming (I love them!) and get ready to welcome June. Summer ahead.

—Molly

MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.