ASK A MOM: Grandparent groups, stay-at-home dads, and when to get your high-functioning child evaluated for a disorder

Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions in this ongoing series

Q: Should you get your child evaluated for a disorder if you suspect they are a high functioning version of it, or do you just treat your child with extra care and love without giving them a label?

A: Knowledge is power. You can always get a diagnosis and choose later if you want to share it with a school, coaches, etc. Your child, your decision.

With that said, I asked a CMS elementary school counselor—and a mom of 4 grown children—to weigh in. She says you should consider a few things before going down this path:

• Do you feel the “disorder” is interfering with their academics at school?
• Do you feel the “disorder” is interfering with how they are socially?
• Have teachers brought concerns to you?

“A label doesn’t fix things or change things,” she adds. “But it might make you more aware of the challenges your child faces and offer insight on how you can best support them.”

I also took your question to Atrium Health’s Levine Children’s Hospital. Four doctors kindly responded. Below is a buffet of answers:

“It would be best to get your child evaluated. Reason being—if there are support services, or early intervention steps to improve outcomes, no matter how small, it may be very beneficial. In addition, as a parent you may be directed to support groups or services for yourself and other caregivers of the child which can be very helpful, especially in children with special needs.” – Dr. Morkor Newman, Atrium Health Levine Children’s Shelby Children’s Clinic

“Yes—to both. Official diagnosis or not, parents instinctively adjust the way they care for and love on each child based on a child’s individual needs and personality. Having an evaluation can help in many ways. It can bring peace of mind for the parent and child (older children often sense they are different and wonder why). It can bring clarity and empower parents and children alike once they know what’s going on. And if your child does have a specific condition, it is easier to meet their specialized needs through educating yourself on specific ways to help them through additional resources that open up for them once diagnosed, including peer and support groups.” – Dr. Lyn Nuse, Medical Director of Pediatric Primary Care for Atrium Health Levine Children’s

“I would say the question is pretty broad because some disorders can be potentially life threatening—even if a child is ‘high functioning.’ For example, if a child has a seizure disorder, then he or she would definitely need evaluated and treated because of the potential of harm in the event this is ignored. For non-life-threatening disorders, what is important to evaluate is level of impairment. If a child does not have impairment from a disorder, then medical intervention would not be warranted. For example, if a child with ADHD is doing well socially and academically, then I would not recommend medication for that child. However, if a child is struggling in those areas, medical intervention is considered. There are non-medical interventions for a variety of conditions that can be helpful, even in mild cases.  Sometimes, understanding your child’s diagnosis also helps with parenting style and decisions around the best fit for school and extracurricular activities.” – Dr. Rhonda Patt, Atrium Health Levine Children’s Charlotte Pediatric Clinic – Southpark

“I agree with Dr. Patt regarding the scope of the question. My assumption is she’s referencing behavioral diagnoses, such as ADHD or autism. If this is not the case, then my answer would change. I try to view each patient and family uniquely. There are many factors involved in the assessment, diagnosis and treatment of behavioral disorders, and access to care may be different in rural areas as compared to cities. The cognitive and behavioral maturation occurring over the 18+ years of a child’s life is phenomenal when you think about it. So to answer your question, a child may not need formal interventions during a certain period of development, but be necessary at others.” – Dr. Amanda Lanier, Atrium Health Levine Children’s Perspective Pediatrics

Q: Hi Molly! I’ve recently started caring for my 18-month-old granddaughter Monday through Friday and I’m looking for a grandkids’ play group during the week. I’m in SouthPark but willing to go to other neighborhoods if we find a good fit. Thanks!

A: You stumped me. (At least at first.) This is the toughest question to find an answer for in 56 columns. No Charlotte-based grandparent group comes up on Google. No loving daycare teacher I asked—many of whom are grandparents—know of one. The school counselor mentioned above doesn’t know of any either—and she knows everything.

So I called the Greater YMCA. They searched and came up short. They say don’t offer anything like this at any branch.

As a final attempt, I called Mecklenburg County Parks & Rec. (SIDENOTE: Meck Co P&R offers a ton of out-of-box activities for kids—chess classes, cooking seminars, teacher workday programs—that I discovered through flyers from the school. If you’re looking for creative activities, check its website.)

I spoke with three different people. The first two knew of no offerings for grandparent-grandchild play groups. All, however, thought it’d be a good idea to start one.

The third person is a man named John Kelly. He picked up the phone at the Marion Diehl Recreation Center on Tyvola Road in SouthPark.

“It’s not a playgroup, but we do have swim classes for kids as young as 6 months old,” he said. “From six months to age 3, you can be in our Star Babies or Star Tots class. The parent or grandparent—any guardian—can bring them. Lots of families come. You can buy a pass or just pay a daily fee. I know adults watching the class sometimes meet other adults that way.”

Thank you, John. Contact mariondiehlrecreationcenter@mecklenburgcounty.nc.gov or 980-314-1300 for more information.

John also says youth aquatic classes are offered in different geographical areas around Mecklenburg County. Check Ray’s Splash Planet (outside of Uptown), Eastway Regional, and Northern Regional.

If anyone knows of any specific grandparents-grandkids play groups, please email Charlotte Parent and let them know! I’d be happy to share any in next month’s column.

Q: Hi Molly! When my husband and I decided to start trying, we agreed he would be a stay-at-home-dad. His job is contract, while mine is full-time and provides our health benefits. Do you have any recommendations or advice on how to boost my husband’s confidence? Any helpful books, blogs, or online dad groups? I truly believe he’ll be very good at this, but googling “nervous stay-at-home-dad” brought me to numerous articles about depression in SAHDs. Maybe I’m overreacting, or maybe once the baby’s here and he gets into the swing of it we’ll be fine, but at the moment I’m not quite sure what to do, if anything. Thanks for any help you all can give.

A: What an honest question. I took it to Juliet Kuehnle, a licensed therapist and mental health wellness expert who founded Sun Counseling and Wellness. (Find her on Instagram at @yepigototherapy—she’s a good follow.)

“I think it’s awesome you are thinking ahead,” she says. “It’s great you’re considering the mental health of you and your partner as you plan. Having that forethought and putting things in place proactively will set you up for more ‘success.’ With that said… I hope you’re not obsessing over this. I want to make sure you know mood fluctuations happen after a baby for BOTH parents. When you or he experience those, it’s normal. They’ll happen pretty much no matter what. They happen in any role transition, for any of us. Remembering that helps to align our expectations with reality.”

Meaning, as a new parent, don’t have many expectations. Period.

“Even if it is a ‘positive’ transition, it’s still stressful,” Kuehnle says. “Still a shift. I’d suggest making sure he understands this. Try to keep communication very open, consistent, and honest.”

And, Kuehnle adds, some of your anticipatory nerves might be about societal expectations.

“There is conditioning we have around the roles of a woman versus a man,” she says. “Acknowledge if any of your fears might be in that context. Every family HAS TO DO what is RIGHT FOR THEM. He won’t be the first SAHD or the last!”

As for specific ideas, Kuehnle suggests:

• Don’t overpack his schedule, but have an idea of activities where he can meet other parents. (Music Together is a good one.)
• Therapeutically, he could get into the practice of journaling his feelings very briefly at the end of each day. There’s a lot of science about why this helps.
• She also recommends that you both continue doing the independent things that were part of your identity before becoming a parent. “While self-care will look different after baby, it is still non-negotiable. Stay intentional about it.”

That’s a wrap on February, the month I consider to centered in big football, inconsistent weather, Valentine’s Day, and summer camp calendar stress. We’re mid-way through. Hang in there, friends.

Submit any questions, as always, on the home page of Charlotte Parent.

Until next month,
–Molly