ASK A MOM: Uncomfortable questions, silent reflux, and school cut-offs
Molly Grantham tackles your parenting questions

Q: Hi, Molly! The other day, someone asked me, “How many kids do you have”? Simple question, but not an easy one to answer if you’ve lost a child. Do I say four, but one is in heaven? Or do I say three, and leave it at that? If my girls are with me, they always say, “We have a brother in heaven,” and then I have to say that he passed away, but we have three healthy children at home….and then get a reaction of, “Oh, I’m sorry,” ….and they don’t know what to say, and I’m like, “It’s ok….” It’s really weird. Ten years later, and that question is still hard to answer. How do I respond in a way that doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable? —Lyndsi
A: Full transparency: I know Lyndsi. Her beautiful son, Luke, is one of our amazing #MollysKids. She and her husband, Wesley Sigmon, started the Hearts and Hope Foundation in his memory to support families battling childhood cancer.
Her question gets me. I appreciate her sending it. It’s something I bet those of us lucky enough to have never lost a child have never thought about prior to this moment. I’d never think asking, “How many kids do you have?” could cause such duress.
But, of course, it can. That question could hit anyone who has experienced trauma head-on.
So first, my friend, a hug across the page. Maybe the only thing harder than losing a child is folding that loss into everyday small talk. You’re carrying love and grief in the same pocket; it jingles every time the rest of us ask you what we presume is a perfectly innocent question.
My gut says this: Answer for you, not for them. There’s no moral obligation to give strangers your life story. I did forward your question to a psychologist friend. He calls the desire to maintain connection with a child who died a “continuing bond.” How loudly or quietly you honor that bond is your call.
Like most topics we struggle to discuss, the best plan is to build a quick script for casual encounters. Five seconds, tops. Something like, “Four kids—three rambunctious ones at home and one sweet boy we carry in our hearts.” People usually mirror your tone. If you’re neutral, affectionate, and not maudlin… they likely will be as well. Then steer the conversation: “The kids are keeping us busy with sports and glitter slime—how about yours?”
And if you’re tired, it’s late, or you just don’t feel like going there, have a short one-second answer ready. “Three at home.” Period. You’re not erasing your son; you’re protecting your own bandwidth.
Remember, kids take cues from us. If yours are asked similar questions, my thought is to give them one simple, proud line: “We have a brother we love in heaven.” They also have permission to read the room. They don’t have to answer with the full truth if it spares them from unexpected tears.
Lyndsi, the awkward is survivable. You already know this. If someone says, “I’m so sorry,” the easiest thing is to receive that, then pivot. “Thank you. He’s still very loved.” Move on with humanity intact.
Overall, choose the answer that is lightest in the moment if that’s how you’re feeling. You can pick a different tone tomorrow. Your motherhood isn’t defined by the math—it’s defined by the love.
Q: We found out our baby has a lactose allergy, so I had to give up breastfeeding and put him on a hypoallergenic formula. We’ve used probiotics, simethicone, we burp after feeding and hold him upright for 30 minutes after feeding. As soon as we put him down in his slightly tilted bassinet, he goes into reflux and wakes himself up. Do you have any other tips and tricks to make a baby more comfortable with silent reflux?!
A: Silent reflux in babies is like trying to calm a dragon while holding a glass of nitroglycerin: high-stakes and thankless. And (sounds like you already know the following, so I only add for all reading): “Silent” reflux doesn’t mean harmless. It just means the stomach acid isn’t always forcefully coming up and out. It burns and sneaks up the esophagus like a ninja in footie pajamas. That pain not only affects eating, but, yes, sabotages sleep.
First, talk to your pediatrician. Make sure the diagnosis is correct; that “silent reflux” is what you’re facing. If that proves true, know that you’re already knocking out great ways to manage with the hypoallergenic formula, upright holding, burping, probiotics, and bassinet tilt. (When I Googled, those were the first ideas.)
Here are a few deeper cuts to try:
- Smaller, more frequent feeds. Overfeeding—even just a bit—can make reflux worse. Think of it like overfilling a blender with the lid off.
- Thickening feeds. Some pediatricians suggest adding a small amount of rice cereal or oatmeal to formula (usually only for babies over 4 months and with pediatric approval). It can help formula stay put. More like a milkshake, not smoothie.
- Reflux wedges or specialized sleep surfaces. There are FDA-approved options for positioning—but never DIY incline hacks. Loose pillows or propped mattresses are unsafe and increase SIDS risk.
- Time. Ugh, yes, I know. The least satisfying answer of all. But most babies outgrow reflux by 6–12 months as their digestive systems mature.
- Medication. If your baby is truly miserable and sleep is nonexistent, I had one mom suggest that you should check-in with your pediatrician about acid suppressors. These aren’t handed out lightly, but sometimes they’re necessary for comfort and growth.
Lastly, give yourself grace. You didn’t cause this. You didn’t miss something. You’re not failing. You’re parenting a tiny human who has the gastrointestinal system of a soda can with a leaky tab.
Hang in there.
Q: My 3-year-old son is a late summer birthday, born just two weeks before our school cutoff. There’s a possibility we could hold him back, depending on his development. My daughter is 16 months behind him, so holding him back would put them in the same grade. I think it could be awkward being in the same grade without being twins, feeling like one was “held back.” Then again, if my son was born just two weeks later than he was, we would have run into this situation anyway. I’m curious how anyone with Irish twins has handled this.”
A: What a thoughtful, nuanced question. It touches on what many of us parents quietly wrestle with: When is the “right” time for school to start, and what does that mean for siblings who are close in age?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer. In every class in every school in every state, some kids are on the older end, and some are on the younger end. The line to walk for every parent with a child born in late summer can get quite thin. (My third is born mid-July; I recently battled this exact dilemma.)
You will find lots of research to back up what you already sense: being the youngest in a grade will come with challenges. A recent Stanford study finds that kids who start kindergarten a year later show better self-regulation and attention spans, even years down the road.
If waiting a year is where you land because you feel like your son could benefit socially, emotionally, or academically … rather than calling that a delay, think of it as a head start.
As for ending up in the same grade as his sister? It might raise a few eyebrows in school pickup lines, but let’s be honest—this is your family’s journey, not a sitcom plotline. Irish twins often grow up neck-and-neck anyway. Being in the same grade could foster a sense of camaraderie rather than competition.
Every family is different. In our household, it made the most sense to push our third child into kindergarten this coming school year, making him one of the youngest in the class—against all that above advice. But for our family, that’ll work best. His older brother will be in the 5th grade this year in the same elementary school. The school guarantees a spot if a sibling is already enrolled. If we wait a year, his older brother will have moved onto middle school and we’d have to go through the lottery again. That’s not worth it in our minds.
So, again, each family is different.
Rather than lean into fears about labels or appearances, ask yourself the bigger question: What sets your son up for long-term confidence and success? If giving him an extra year of emotional runway helps him thrive, don’t let optics hold you back. Two weeks on a calendar shouldn’t outweigh a lifetime of learning. Setting him up for success is a beautiful show of parenting wisdom. Trust your gut. You know your kids better than anyone else.
That’s a wrap on July’s questions. Thank you, as always, for sending such smart and vulnerable things that are personal in your lives. Keep the questions coming through the homepage of Charlotte Parent.
Can’t believe we’re already mid-summer. Enjoy the weeks left.
—Molly
MOLLY GRANTHAM is a four-time Emmy Award-winning journalist, speaker, author, and mom of three. Follow her on Facebook or Instagram, or visit mollygrantham.com.