5 Tips to Support Tween Romance
As children enter adolescence, their emotional capabilities have grown. The range of their relationships deepens, and often is followed by a surge of feelings that lead to budding romantic relationships. These relationships are a natural step for most tweens, but young love comes with its highs and lows. By putting themselves out there and taking on new risks, tweens enter a new arena of finding acceptance when in a romantic relationship. It’s essential that parents balance love, understanding and good listening skills with their tween as they take on this new step in life.
1. Don’t Tease
Tweens are stepping outside their comfort zone and testing the waters of romance, so don’t be tempted to tease your teen, even playfully, about a first love. “Don’t belittle them or minimize the importance of their love interest,” says Charlotte-based family therapist Laurie Howell. Keep yourself and other family members from giving them a hard time or embarrassing them.
2. Get to Know Their Love Interest
Create a space in your home where your tween can — and wants to — hang out. Encourage him or her to have the new-found friend over more often so they can get to know each other better outside of peer groups, and it gives you a chance to know the new friend better, too.
“If the relationship lasts past a week or two, have the kid over,” says Howell. “You want your tween to feel comfortable bringing their boyfriend or girlfriend to your home. You want all the chances you can to get to know your tween’s friend.”
3. Set Boundaries
“Whether it is live supervision at home, monitoring social media accounts or restricting electronic devices at bedtime, don’t expect your tween to know when to stop and walk away from constant contact with their first love,” says Howell. Establish limits to avoid the new romance from consuming his or her life. It is important for a tween to have time for other relationships, homework and after-school activities without focusing on just one person. Though that may be a hard concept for a tween to understand, it’s important in learning to maintain balance in future relationships.
4. Model Healthy Communication
Encourage your tween to have face-to-face interactions and voice-to-voice communication with his or her love interest. It’s easy to communicate with someone behind an electronic device, but this method of communication is short on interpersonal skills building. This is a good rule for parents to follow too. “It’s important for your tween to see how you communicate with your spouse or significant other,” says Howell. “Avoid having serious conversations via text with your family members, especially with your tween.”
5. Stop Talking, Start Listening
You want to show interest in your tween’s romantic relationship, but timing can be everything in making it a reciprocal conversation. Avoid the moment he or she gets off the bus or jumps in the car after school. Kids need time to decompress from their school day. Ask open-ended questions and let him or her share his experience. “Resist acting like the expert. Be curious instead,” says Howell. “Many parents confuse a 25-minute lecture as being powerful. Being present and listening are more powerful. When you listen, you will find out so much more.”
Break-Up Bounce Back
Adolescent romances are often short lived. Tweens want lots of different experiences to discover who they are and what they value. Losing love, however, can be a painful experience. Many parents panic when their child is going through something hard, but resist the temptation to jump in and try to fix the problem, says Howell. If your tween is having a hard time with the break-up, give them a night out. Take them to dinner or go to the movies. You don’t have to talk about it while you are out, just be there.
“Let it be your child’s challenge with good parental supervision, so they can experience the natural growth that comes from these practice relationships. Be open-minded and supportive in a healing way. Struggling builds resilience, and the world needs resilient adults.”
Sara Kendall is a freelance writer and mom of two daughters who lives in Charlotte.
