Rookie Dad: Move On, Soccer Moms!

I’m not a member of that trendy political organization, MoveOn, but if I were, I’d be spreading this little idea across the Internet — Move on, soccer moms. It’s time for stay-at-home dads to determine our nation’s future.

That’s right, by the time you read this, the Democrats will have just concluded their national convention and the Republicans will be wrapping up their flag-waving, crazy-hat-wearing assembly as well. And we’ll be in full-throttle, down-and-dirty, now-or-never time for John McCain and Barack Obama as the November election nears.

The last few elections, experts claim, have been decided in a significant way by, of all people, soccer moms. You know, those minivan-driving, cell-phone-talking, perpetually-dropping-their-kids-off-at-practice moms. They’re strong, opinionated and not easily swayed. And that’s what has made them such a powerful political force — they’re unpredictable, unable to be accurately polled, and, yes, a little bit scary. Soccer moms kowtow to no one, especially no sharp-dressed political man who would like to kiss their babies and promise them things about their taxes.

As it turns out, you can blame or thank these soccer moms, depending on your political persuasion, for giving us both Bill Clinton and George Bush. Way to go!

Now we’ve come to another critical election and I ask you (a mostly female readership … gulp) these questions: Are we going to let the soccer moms have all the power again? Are we going to let them determine our fate? Are we going to keep letting them think that they’re “all that”? I say, “NO! NO! NO!” It’s time to shift the power to stay-at-home dads! Why? I’m not totally sure, but here are a few possible reasons.

It’s just nice to share. Parents, including soccer moms, are always telling their children to share. Shouldn’t we practice what we preach? Mommies, you’ve been playing with the electoral college for quite some time now. I think it’s someone else’s turn. You can have a turn again later, say, in 2016. Thank you.

Stay-at-home dads are feeling a little underappreciated and they could use a good morale boost. There are about 150,000 of us stay-at-home dads across the country and only about 15,000 baby-changing stations in men’s public bathrooms. Can I please change my kid in a restaurant without doing it right here on the dining table in front of the other patrons or without sneaking into the women’s restroom that is equipped with the super-deluxe changing station? A little respect is all we’re asking for! Geez.

We’re new and trendy. I mentioned the trendy MoveOn group. My wife will tell you that I have never been associated with the words fashionable or trendy. But, aha, as a group, stay-at-home dads are new and exciting.

Newspapers are writing stories about us, Stephen Colbert is spoofing us, folks are blogging! Soccer moms are old news. If either McCain or Obama wants to show that he’s really hip, all he has to do is mention that he once met a stay-a-home dad or that he knows someone whose brother used to be a stay-at-home dad.

We won’t even mention soccer, not once. How did soccer ever attain any influence over the American political system? Soccer? C’mon, now. If anything, we stay-at-home dads might mention baseball — our national pastime — but we won’t bring soccer into this discussion.

We’re not afraid to infiltrate “soccer mom-dom” and tell what we know. It’s quite interesting what you can learn at the playground or the athletic field as you overhear moms talking together. (Believe me, I’m not snooping, it’s just that soccer moms tend to be very loud talkers.) Stay-at-home dads can record this important demographic information and pass it on to the party that promises the most political favors. Just like that, the mysterious voting patterns of soccer moms will be solved like a Soduku and they’ll be obsolete as a political force. Would we really do that? Maybe.

So, Senator McCain and Senator Obama, make your best pitch. Stay-at-home dads are listening and we’re ready to vote (while holding two squirming tykes in the voting booth and thinking about what we’re going to make the family for dinner tonight).

Brian Kantz does not watch CNN, CNBC or Fox News. He gets all of his political information from Noggin. His new book, “Stay-at-Home Dad. Stay. Good Boy.,” is available at www.briankantz.com.