Deserted At The Movies

The Lego Movie 2014 Image

I got the first odd looks when I walked up to the box office.

“One adult for the uh, um, er, the. . . Excuse me.”


“One adult for the . . . TheLegoMovie.”

The young girl selling tickets at the Cinebarre Arboretum 11 movie theater chewed her gum, popped a small bubble and stared at me. I stared at her, certain there was some sort of rule against a man of a certain age going to see The Lego Movie without being with a minor. 

“That’ll be $10.50.”

I handed over my card, paid for the ticket and rushed inside without talking to any of the other dads who were at the movie. Of course, they all had their sons, daughters, cousins or some stray little anklebiter they’d managed to borrow from a neighbor.

Walking away, I caught a snatch of conversation from the ticket booth.*

“Make sure Keanu checks on the pervo alone in Lego.”

Ducking into the darkness of the theater, I hunched down in my coat and cursed Hyper Lad**, the first of his name.

See, Hyper Lad is the youngest of our three boys. With his brothers out of the house, he’s the only one left to bear the brunt of my. . . eccentricities. But this, this was beyond any petty concept of revenge.

For years, I’ve gone with every one of the boys to many, many, many, many, many horrible movies. Because they wanted to see these appalling wastes of celluloid. (Do not get me started on Mall Cop, for which I’m still owed two hours of my life and a refund on the knitting needles I tried to shove in my eyes so I could scratch the experience out of my brain.) And, yet, Hyper Lad wouldn’t go with me to see The Lego Movie.

I guess I should have seen it coming when neither Hyper Lad nor Zippy the College Boy would go with me to see The Muppet Movie remake. I thought that was simply Hyper Lad doing (or, in this case, not doing) what his older brother did. Instead, it was the start of something worse.

Hyper Lad, at age 14, finally is turning into a teenager.

He was, he said, far too cool to be seen in a theater showing The Lego Movie. Especially with his dad.

“But,” I said, “Zippy the College Boy already went to see it. He said he loved it.”

“Yeah, but he’s a college student. He can afford to act like a little kid.”°

So, apparently, can an old dude with the heart of a pre-teen.°° Well, either that, or, as Hyper Lad suggested in so many words, it doesn’t matter how much of a doofus I look like because I’m so far from cool I can’t even see it with a telescope from where I’m standing.

And so, bereft of companionship (since my wife, known to me as She Who Must Be Seeing “Good” Movies, was out of town), I schlepped into the theater to watch The Lego Movie. And it was AWESOME! You can tell it’s good because that word was in all-caps and italics. The sure sign of enthusiasm.

For a full review, make sure to head over to our other blog, A Dude’s Guide to . . . Everything. My review of The Lego Movie is right here.

I have the feeling that this is only the start. Being cool apparently takes a lot of work. And a lot of distance, especially from parents who can embarrass a young dude simply by breathing. That’s okay, though. I can hold my breath for a looooooooooooonnnnnnnggggggggg time.

Footnotes & Errata
* Possibly invented in my head by an overactive imagination combined with a parent’s natural instinct toward embarrassment
** I told you not to ask
° Actual quote. I kid you not.
°° It’s true. I keep it in a jar on a shelf in my closet. Ba-dum. Thankyew thankyew. I’ll be here all week. Remember to tip your servers.