Dads Doing Dirty Deeds Dirt Cheap
Dr. Frankenstein couldn’t do it. Oscar Golden couldn’t do it. And, at long last, I have come to the conclusion that I also must join that elite fraternity of non winners. I’m just like them.1
I think it’s time to admit that, no matter how much glue I used and how many rolls of duct tape I was able to wrap things with, I just could not create a functioning dadstitute.
There’s just so much stuff we do, I couldn’t find a way to fulfill every one of the dadbligations.2
But, I thought to myself, what if I was setting the bar too high? So I sat down to compile a list of all the vital, important jobs it’s up to dads to fulfill around the house.
1. Spider patrol: For some reason, right behind cockroaches, spiders are the worst enemy of most ladies of the house. I even had to deal with a spider for Hyper Lad, who isn’t all that fond of bugs period. Unlike Zippy the College Boy, who would pick up any bug and practically cuddle it to deATH, Hyper Lad likes to keep a little distance — like say the length of a couple of marathons stretched end to end — between him and any bugs. Which meant I wasn’t all that surprised when Hyper Lad started screaming about a spider. Since I had my hands full with No. 2 (literal in mnore than one way) below, I did the only thing I could: I sicked Buzz, The Spider Death That Walks, on the arachnid. Problem solved.
2. Unclogging toilets: Do I really need to get into this one? Let’s just say that I’ve been quite glad that my two oldest are old enough that I can actually begin delegating this task to those who actually caused the problem in the first place. Presenting them with their first personalized plunger was a proud moment in my life as a parent.
3. Garbage Disposal Plug Diagnoser: Garbage disposals3 are notoriously fickle. You have no idea what will plug the things up. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had to get on my knees in front of the kitchen sink, try to wedge a bucket under the u-bend in the pipes, unscrew the fasteners and then try not to flake out when the gunk flows out, onto the floor and all over my shoes. And the result? Appalling, smelly, jellied brown goop. Sorry. Need to mnove on. Mad, bad memories
4. Changing Light Bulbs: Why? Seriously, why? It’s not like the step ladder is going to buck them off when they climb up to be tall enough to change the lightbulb, right? And, yet, apparently I’m the only one capable of accomplishing this challenging task.
5. Taking Out Garbage: I am firmly convinced that somewhere in the dim, distant past, my loving wife, who I love more than ever, known to me as She Who Must Be Especially Kind And Forgiving, became convinced that garbage belonged in a pile next to the back door and not in the, oh so mysteriously named, garbage can. Which means it’s up to me, the dad, to actually take it out of the house.
6. Doily Allignment: Who else is going to make sure the lovely, little lace doilies are lined up correctly on the kitchen appliances? What? It’s just me, then? Moving on.
Finally, and most importantly, there’s this one last job that absolutely must be done by the wonderfuly wise, danger-defying dads who give their all for their families.
7. Burned French-Fry Gobbler: You know how, when you make your own fries in the oven, you either undercook them and they’re soggy or you overcook them and there’s some way-too-crispy fry bits on the baking sheet? You can’t just throw them away, right? So it’s up to dad to dispose of those crispy critters before anyone gets hurt.
So, yeah. Pretty extensive list. I think I was right the second time ’round. There’s just not enough room in the exo-human physique to shove in all the post-mortem enhancements and cybernetic uplifts necessary to fulfill the everyday duties4 of the average dad.
Footnotes & Errata
1. Except that I’m not fictional. As far as I know.
2. I think I’m going to need to maybe cutback on the spoonerisms here before we all get carried away. And by all, I mean me. And by carried away I mean committed to the white padded room by those, nice young men in their clean white coats and they’re coming to take me away ha ha he he ho ho. . .
3. No. Not Buzz. A realy garbage disposal.
4. Heh heh. He said duty.