What to Do When Parenting Styles Clash
And tips to navigate the holiday experiences as a team
We all come to parenthood with a certain set of expectations and assumptions about raising kids. We assume our partner shares our healthy outlook. That is, until we find ourselves butting heads in the midst of a heated child-rearing dilemma. How do you navigate a parenting-style conflict without confusing our kids and harming the relationship with your partner?
Discuss Your Upbringing
“In a perfect world, we would have these conversations when we are dating,” says adolescent and family therapist Melissa Perry. How we raise our kids is often dictated by how our parents raised us — or how we wish we’d been raised. As a couple, discuss each other’s childhoods. For example, what was your parents’ disciplinary style? How did they interact with you? Listen to understand and empathize with each other’s experiences.
“Most people know that it doesn’t feel good to scream at their kids. Most people know it doesn’t feel good to hit them, but they do it because they say ‘I turned out OK,’” says Cati Winkel, a wellness coach who works with individuals and families. “Once we start figuring out what that’s created in their lives, how they interact, and how they have relationships with people, they start to recognize ‘oh, maybe things could have been a little bit different.’”
Holiday tip! To best understand your partner’s attitude about the holidays, talk and listen to each other’s childhood experiences. For some people, the holidays can bring up nostalgic, happy memories. For others, the season can trigger painful ones. Ask each other: what special traditions would we like to start with our family? What do we want our family’s holiday experience to feel like?
Parent as a Team
Even if you are divorced or separated, focus on presenting a united front when it comes to parenting.
“It’s fine for parents to each have their own way of interacting with their children. As a matter of fact, it’s healthy because it teaches children to be more flexible and to adapt better in different environments,” says Colleen Huff, a certified parent educator. Discuss the ideal home environment you want to create, the types of family rules that are important to each of you, and zero in on common goals.
Holiday tip! Decide together what you want your family’s holiday to look like. Are gifts a priority or do memorable experiences matter more? Is it possible for you to purchase gifts together for your kids to avoid situations where one parent tries to outdo the other?
Come Up With a Plan
Agree on age-appropriate rules and consequences in your home. For a toddler or preschooler, you might have two or three rules like no hitting or throwing toys, while a 5-year-old might have up to five rules.
“If kids know the expected behavior, then they’re free to do something else, which is going to be exploring and learning, playing and engaging and feeling self-confident versus feeling timid, inward and insecure,” Huff says.
Establish reasonable consequences for unacceptable behavior, but be flexible. For example, you might use the corner for a timeout for your child, while your partner may prefer that your child sits in a time-out chair. By agreeing on a plan of action for common scenarios and remaining consistent with consequences, you can avoid reactive parenting.
Holiday tip! The holidays can be an over stimulating time of the year for kids, which can lead to more behavioral issues than usual. If you plan to visit relatives or travel, plan ahead with your partner about the rules you’d like the family to remain consistent on. For example, you might agree to prioritize a consistent bedtime or healthy meals if you know that lack of sleep and too much sugar can lead to challenging behavior.
Vastly different approaches to parenting can send mixed messages to your child. “Your child might start to identify one parent as the parent to avoid and the other parent as the parent to get what they want to out of them — or use parents against each other,” Perry says. “If your goal is to both love your child and both parent them, then you can probably come to some sort of compromise.”
Suppose you want your child to do homework right away after school to free up the evening for other interests. Then your partner comes home, dismisses this rule and lets your child play before homework. A good way to address the situation might be for you to say: “I’ve noticed that Johnny struggles to complete his homework if he puts it off until later in the day. This structure in our afternoons seems to help. I could really use your support on this.”
Then, give your partner an opportunity to respond without interrupting them.
“Focus on the problem, not the person and focus on the actual issue at hand in the moment, not what the parent or child did or didn’t do in the last week or week before, ” Perry says.
Also, use reflective listening to validate what your partner says, which shows that you care about their perception or opinion. In reflective listening, you restate in a non-condescending way what you think you heard: “I think I’m hearing you say______. Is this what you mean?”
“Oftentimes we misunderstand, and we base our next answer on an assumption of understanding,” Perry says.
Holiday tip! The holidays can put a strain on a relationship, especially if one partner goes overboard purchasing gifts, which makes the other feel stressed or uncomfortable. Before shopping gets underway, discuss your priorities and goals for the holiday and agree on a budget. Come up with gift game plan. Consider questions like: Who is on the list and who is not? How much do we want to spend on the kids? What about for each other and for various relatives?
Conflict Versus Calm
If you can remain calm, it’s healthy for kids to see their parents work out a conflict and come to a resolution.
“If we teach children from a young age how to properly deal with conflict, that’s only going to set them up for success,” Winkel says.
But, if you are too angry to discuss the situation immediately, give yourselves permission to cool off before working through the issue.
“Agree to walk away, but have a set, specific time that you are going to come back and talk about it again,” Perry says. “A lot of times people fight, then they cool down, but they don’t ever come back and resolve what was said in the heat of the moment.”
Without coming to resolutions for problems that arise in our relationships, resentment and disengagement from each other can set in, potentially harming your partnership.
Need help strengthening your communication skills with your partner or ex to resolve parenting differences? Consult with a licensed family therapist for helpful support and strategies.
Christa Melnyk Hines is a nationally published freelance writer. Her latest book is “Happy, Healthy & Hyperconnected: Raise a Thoughtful Communicator in a Digital World.”
Types of Parenting Styles
* Provides structure to a child’s daily routine, including regular bedtime.
* Establishes clear household rules and reasonable consequences.
* Healthy, open line of communication between parent and child.
* Doesn’t support child’s emotional and/or physical needs.
* Unaware of what is happening in child’s life.
* Leaves child alone for long periods of time.
* Uninvolved with child’s life outside of home.
* Loving and nurturing, but not demanding.
* Lenient to avoid confrontation with child.
* Lack structure, unclear rules and consequences.
* May bribe kids to do things with large rewards.
* Demanding, strict and inflexible.
* Lack of healthy dialogue between parent and child.
* Limits child’s ability to make decisions or choices.
* Uses punishment instead of positive reinforcement.